Given the title, Hansel
and Gretel: Witch Hunters could have be a glorious slice of cheesy goodness. But director Tommy Wirkola (best known
to American audiences for Dead Snow)
delivers a lazy, cliché-ridden movie saddled with a serious tone that sucks any
sense of fun out of the story, despite a few moments of humor early on.
The story opens with a brief retelling of the classic fairy
tale, but with one little twist:
Before pushing the witch into her oven, young Hansel and Gretel discover
they are immune to spells, at least those cast at them. And if you don’t think that will be
important later, it’s obvious you missed the Harry Potter films.
After escaping from the Gingerbread House, the two become renowned
witch hunters. Soon, their journeys
lead them to the German town of Augsberg, where, hired by the mayor, the
siblings (Brett Renner and Gemma Arterton) start their investigation into the
disappearance of eleven children by preventing Mina (Pihla Viitala) from being
burned at the stake as a witch.
This infuriates the local sheriff (Peter Stormare), who
attempts to thwart their investigation, which complicates the sibling’s
confrontation with the Grand Witch Muriel (Famke Janssen) and her plans to make
her followers immune to fire. And,
of course, part of her plan involves Hansel and Gretel’s arrival in town.
The film starts out with several moments of campy humor,
giving one hope for a decent popcorn cruncher, including a vendor selling milk
with drawings of the missing children tied to the bottles, and a geeky fan of
the siblings played for laughs.
But any hope for a fun, campy film is dosed when the sheriff attempts to
frame Mina as a witch.
Sure, he’s an evil character and his attempt to undermine
the witch hunters propels the story, but his motivations are never
explained. The script implies a
power struggle between him and the mayor, but why he is willing to kill an
innocent woman, and sacrifice the lives of the missing children, is never
explained. He’s just a cardboard
character, one of many in this film, whose behavior lacks any motivation other
than to move the story forward.
But the cliché rut gets deeper. To no one’s surprise, Hansel falls for Mina, who harbors a
secret that is apparent within 10 minutes of her first appearance. The film also introduces a troll named
Edward (Derek Mears), who seems to be attracted to Gretel, yet is compelled to
serve witches. Yes, of all the
troll names the filmmakers could have chosen, they went with the sparkly
vampire one. Yet the script never
acknowledges it, despite any groans from the audience.
At this point, it’s obvious a dark family secret will be
discovered, Hansel will learn that some witches are good, (guess who; oh wait,
it’s not a surprise) and Gretel will discover her mother’s heritage. Oh, and Hansel has diabetes from eating
all those sweets in the witch’s lair as a child, yet his daily injections
become important only during the film’s climax. Bet you didn’t see that one coming.
While all the characters and situations are cliché-ridden, Gretel
takes the most abuse from the script.
In the beginning, she’s smart, sexy and a major ass kicker. Yet midway through the film, she’s
taken down by the sheriff and his men, despite holding her own with several
more powerful witches earlier, and needs to be saved by Edward the troll. Than, at film’s climax, she’s chained
to a tree and must be save by another male character (her brother) before
taking out a few witches. While
the script does explain her role in Muriel’s plans, it’s horrid that another
capable female character ends up a damsel in distress. Sure, the average filmgoer might not
have found Renner chained to the tree as sexy as Arterton, but such a role
reversal could have been fun and an interesting twist in an otherwise boring
action film.
Most of the cast does what they can with their stereotypical
roles. Jenssen delivers a few delicious,
campy moments when the script allows her, and Arterton is good at flipping from
ass kicker to damsel in distress as the script dictates. But I had a problem with Renner, who
seemed rather bored with the role.
His character could have used more swagger and bravado, but he takes the
easy route and plays it straight, coming off like he’s just interested in
collecting a paycheck.
And his performance echoes the main problem with the
film. No one has fun with the
outrageous concept. The action sequences
are loud and wild, but lack the sense of goofiness that should infuse any scene
involving a blessed Gatling gun taking out a coven of witches. And if the filmmakers were hoping the
R-rated violence would thrill the audience, most of the gore scenes are rather
mundane. Even the IMAX 3D format
couldn’t infuse any excitement into the standard blood and guts thrown at the
camera.
You might think I went into this film with high
expectations, but that’s not true.
I went in with low expectations.
I wanted a Syfy Saturday night monster movie and this film couldn’t even
meet those standards. In fact, I
think The Asylum would have done a better job with Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters. Sure, the effects would have been awful and a few
past-their-prime 80s stars would be in the cast, but that film would have been
much more fun than this big budget failure.