Piranha 3D (2010)

No one can accuse Piranha 3D of not delivering what director Alexandre Aja promised, which was to fill the screen with waves of bare skin and bitten flesh. And the film does for its 89 minute running time, just long enough for the audience to start feeling overdosed on bloody water and bouncing boobs.

Discussing the plot is futile. This movie is dumb as a bag of rocks, with its only clever moment (a great cameo in the opening scene) spoiled by the trailer and endless publicity. The script only serves to drive the prehistoric piranha to the spring break partiers and put the main characters in peril. When the film pauses for a moment to explain a plot point, such as when an aquarium shop owner explains how these fish survived in an underwater lake with no food source but each other for eons, it buckles under its own stupidity. But who really cares. Such scenes is nothing more than a flimsy excuse for you to suspend all disbelief until the next attack. Or the next dropped bikini top.

The acting is as good as you can expect. The actors make the most of what they are given, which isn't much, and no one give a bad performance. However, Jerry O'Connell gets to steal the show as a sleazy porn producer fueled by champagne, tequila, coke and an enormous ego. Oily and menacing, O'Connell chews up the scenery like, well, a school of ravenous piranha and delivers the most enjoyable performance in the film.

The nudity is, well, stunning. No quick glimpses or shadowy presentation here. It's all long shots and in your face (thanks, in part, to the 3D presentation). And while the scenes at the spring break party are rather crass, others are shot with a stunning reverence for naked women. A topless parasailer, pulled through the water before she's airborne, is filmed from below in a visually stunning shot. And the underwater ballet, where two naked women "dance" together (displaying breath control that would make Micheal Phelps envious) is as beautiful as the opening credits in a Connery-era Bond film. Except this time, the lights are on and no one is a silhouette. I'm surprised at how much the MPAA let Aja get away with in this scene. Maybe the 3D image was too blurry for them.

With all the bare flesh flashing across the screen, I was a bit surprised that the guys didn't get into the act. The men are surprisingly chaste for a bunch of spring break partiers, with only one mooning scene as a comedic aside. Aja, and the filmmakers that will follow him, might consider adding a few beefcake shots for female horror fans next time. I'm sure they'd appreciate it.

The gore is a great mix of practical and CGI. K.N.B. EFX Group once again produces some amazing work, with very realistic wounds and munched up bodies. And some of the gore gags during the siege on the spring breakers are simply breathtaking. It's nice to see Karo syrup blood back on the screen.

As for the fish, they still look a bit silly, though less than in the early previews. And when onscreen alone, it's hard not to chuckle a bit. But the feeding frenzy moments are great, and at times it's hard to tell when the victim is a practical effect or a CGI construct.

The 3D is about as good as you can get for post production effects. It's obvious that Aja and his crew planned for the conversion, because I didn't notice any of the darkness associated with Clash of the Titans. Even the night time underwater shots are clear and visible. And this foresight allows the 3D to be used more as a gimmick than a simple add on. Puke, fish and body parts are continually thrown at the audience and it works so well, I doubt the film would be as much fun in 2D. So see it in the theaters if you can.

I felt this film was a great time. It made me wish that some of our local pub theaters could invest in 3D technology. This film is perfect for a group of friends sharing a few pitchers of beer, hooting and laughing at one of the most shamelessly cheesy horror films ever made.

Beware, it isn't for everyone. It's lewd, crude, very bloody and easily earns it's R-rating. But if you find these more of a virtue than a vice, it's a perfect summer movie.

DVD release: Galaxy of Terror (1981) and Forbidden World (1982)

The 80's was the last decade that horror fans could hit the multiplexes for the latest low budget offerings. Soon, the major studios would force independent films out of the theaters and directly to home video, thanks to the blockbuster mentality, which continues inundated moviegoers today.

But the 70's also signaled a chance in low budget horror. Vincent Canby in The New York Times called Jaws a big budget Roger Corman film. Then came Star Wars, and Oscar winner Corman knew Hollywood was figuring out how to make better B-movies. So he responded in the same fashion that filmmakers did in the 50s, when television threatened to draw movie goers to their couches. He delivered what the other guys couldn't or wouldn't: More sex and violence.

Nowhere is this more evident in 1980's Galaxy of Terror, and 1982's Forbidden World. Thanks to Shout! Factory, these classics of sleaze cinema are on Region 1 DVD for the first time, with great looking transfers and lots of special features.

Galaxy of Terror is the better known of the two, only because of the giant space worm rape scene. Yes, you read that right. One wonders if Corman was daring the studios to try and top that scene. But in addition to that set piece, the movie contains lots of great effects, beautiful set design (thanks to production designer James Cameron) and a great cast, including Ray Waltson, Erin Moran, Robert Englund, Sid Haig and Taaffe O'Connell as the victim of the space worm's advances.

The plot is rather messy. A crew is sent out by the Planet Master, a figure with a glowing head, to the planet Morganthus on a rescue mission. Once there, they is picked off in several imaginative and gory scenes. The ending, which I won't spoil, leaves more plot holes than the rest of the film.

But that doesn't matter. Galaxy of Terror is a wonderful haunted house in space film, and hold up well today. The sets are amazing, the effects are stunning and the film moves at a brisk pace from one death scene to the next. The crew really delivers the good for the money they available, often raiding fast food restaurants for styrofoam packing to use as the ship's walls. And given the script, the cast really delivers.

The DVD contains a great commentary (in which the worm rape scene is the focus of the discussion), terrific cast and crew interviews, TV, radio and theater trailers, a photo gallery, a PDF version of the original screen play and more. The transfer is beautiful and well worth the cost.

If you've never seen this film (but know of it for the worm scene), get yourself a copy and enjoy. And if you've seen this film, you've probably already got it in your DVD player. It's one of Corman's best from the 80's, even if it wallows in the gutter with glee.

Forbidden World is a nice companion piece, as the opening sequence was filmed on a Galaxy of Terror set the day before it was struck. Corman, always one to get the most bang for his buck, just wanted to reuse the set for a yet unwritten film. Production didn't start until months later, giving the opening a bit of a disjointed feel (the effects lifted from Battle Beyond the Stars didn't help give the introduction of the hero a fresh feel either).

Troubleshooter Mike Colby is sent to a planet to take care of a mutant life form that killed all the other lab animals. It appears this new life form was an attempt to generate a new food source, only now the mutant is turning humans into a protein source it can consume, and everyone is a potential mini garden. So the scientists and Colby must figure out how to kill the mutant before they become the next garden plot.

And there's your plot. The rest of the film is chocked full of nasty gore, VERY gratuitous nudity and a monster that looks like the Alien creature done up for a Saturday morning cartoon. While Galaxy of Terror was considered an Alien rip-off, Forbidden Planet is a better example of Corman's ability to take a popular film and lift enough elements to keep his film familiar, but not cause any legal entanglements.

The film is not as much fun as Galaxy of Terror. The editing is rather choppy and becomes strobe-like, which is rather distracting. The cast is not as strong and the creature looks pretty lame.

However, the movie does offer up some fun moments. The ultimate demise of the creature is echoed in horror films today, and the gore is really well done. And the film is chocked full of exploitive nudity. In one scene, the two female leads end up in a prolonged shower scene for no reason. Once again, Corman delivers what the studios didn't offer and seemed to dare Hollywood to match such a moment.

The Shout! Factory release is a 2 disc set, with the director's cut available in a Full Frame version. It contains 5 minutes of footage that Corman considered too comedic for the horror film he wanted. Also included are cast and crew interviews, trailers and much more. It's not as good as Galaxy of Terror, but it's a solid film and worth the blind buy to me.

These films are great examples of 80s sleazy/cheese and something every horror fan should check out. Now it's time for me to watch my new copies of Piranha and Humanoids from the Deep. I'll let you know what I think in the next few days.

Grade A Cheese and Total Sleazy: A great night at the movies

Wow, the theater was empty last night as Seth's Birthday Double Feature opened at the Clinton Street Theater. Maybe it was the weather, maybe other events happening around town. But all you horror and exploitation fans still have 5 days to take in a great double feature and I strongly suggest you don't miss it.

Maximum Overdrive
Only a few movies make me smile like a little kid when the main title music starts playing. One is The Creature from the Black Lagoon, which has thrilled me since I was a young boy. Another is Stephen King's Maximum Overdrive, which I caught on VHS back in the 80's. I wore out my personal VHS copy, thanks to continuous viewings, though I have yet to replace it with a DVD version. After viewing the film for the first time on the big screen, I'm intensifying my search.

The plot is simple. Earth is passing through the tail of a rouge comet and all mechanical devices are suddenly brought to life with a taste for mayhem. This is illustrated in the opening scene, as a drawbridge decides to open on it's own. Cars slide into each other to the sounds of AC/DC's "Who Made Who?" (oh, I'm grinning again) in a grand, destructive hint of things to come.

The action then moves to the Dixie Boy Diner in North Carolina, where Emilio Estevez and a group of overblown Southern stereotypes hunker down as animated big rigs circle them like a school of sharks. Good thing the diner's sleazy owner (Pat Hingle) has a surplus of munitions in his basement that would make the NRA swoon.

Okay. let's face it. This movie should be awful. The direction is pretty pedestrian (King admits to being "coked up" during the shoot and having potential errors corrected by the crew), the acting is pretty bad at times, most of the characters are little more than stereotypes and the plot makes no sense. The film doesn't bother to explain how the machines can see and target their prey, how they can move non-motorized parts and why some vehicles retain human control longer than others.

But, whether intentional or not, this movie just seems to come to campy life. The stereotypical performances demanded by the script are hysterically broad and WAY over the tip at times ("You can't do that. WE MADE YOU!"), adding to the films charm. Yet, the dialog veers into vintage King at times. One example is the banter between Estevez and John Short as they crawl through a sewer pipe, which sounds and feels surprisingly realistic.

And the carnage is just stunning. Vehicles crash and explode with such energy and beauty, you almost feel you're watching clips from The Road Warrior. And King doesn't skimp on the gore, which forced several scenes to be trimmed to appease the MPAA (including one shot that King said made George Romero cringe!).

And the print is amazing. When I talked to Seth before the film, he claimed it was possibly the best 35mm print out there, and I'm inclined to agree. The picture is amazingly clear, with few skips and scratches, and the soundtrack is crisp and clean.

If you like this movie, or are just a fan of classic cheesy films, don't miss this screening! If you do, you'll be sorry.

Chained Heat
I'm not fan of the women in prison genre, but as I paid for a double feature, I decided to stick around for the sleaze classic Chained Heat. And boy, did I need a shower later.

Linda Blair stars as a young woman sentenced to 18 months in prison for vehicular homicide. Unfortunately, the big house she's headed for is more interested in exploitation than rehabilitation.

For starts, the warden (John Vernon) is making pornos with several of the female inmates, as well as selling heroin to the rest of the population. He's a bit worried that someone on his staff is cornering the market with their own supply. That would be the assistant warden (Stella Stevens), who is not only selling drugs for her partner (Henry Silva), but also supplying him with sexy young inmates to act as whores for his extravagant parties. Stevens is also playing the white gang (lead by Sybil Danning) against the black gang (lead by Tamara Dobson of Cleopatra Jones fame). Add in sadistic guards, murder and double crosses, and you know a riot is inevitable.

As mentioned, I'm not much of a fan of the genre, but this is a well made exploitation film. Though nowhere near as sleazy as some foreign entries, it still hits all the notes. Gratuitous nudity a prolonged shower scenes, lesbianism, sadistic rape and violence, it's all there. And, as you might expect from the cast, the acting is pretty good for a picture of this type. Vernon really hams things up, Stevens comes off tough as nails, Danning and Dobson are pitch perfect and Silva is charmingly sleazy. All while Blair walks about with her big, innocent doe eyes, getting slapped around and abused until she reaches her breaking point.

For fans of the genre, this print is well preserved and a treat. For others, it's worth watching, as an example of a type of movie that will never be made again (as it's sequel, Chained Heat 2, demonstrates). Be forewarned, it is offensive and VERY un-PC. But you don't get a chance to wallow in such sleazy very often, so indulge your wild cinematic side and stay for the second feature.

Star Wars and Zombies: "I've got a bad feeling about this."

Well, I finished Death Troopers and have to say that zombies should have stayed out of the Star Wars universe. Or at least found a writer that didn't seem to be cashing in on a current trend.

The basic plot is a prison ship, on it's way to a penal colony, looses power and decides to raid an abandoned Star Destroyer for parts. Of course, they bring back a disease that kills 99% of the crew, only to reanimate them with a powerful hunger for flesh. The survivors (including a space pirate and his hairy first mate) take refuge on the Star Destroyer and discover the ship isn't as abandoned as once suspected.

This book is rather pedestrian and uninspired. The plot is poorly paced, as the zombies don't start showing up until midway through the book. Instead, the author wastes time on dull, overly long character development that feels a bit pointless, as the new main characters are not very memorable. And the teenage brothers feel written into the story for demographic reasons alone.

The zombies show some potential, as the disease allows the author to tailor the creatures to the Star Wars Universe. These suckers are rather fast, able to communicate and slowly retain the skills they learned while alive. In short, the longer they are undead, the better they are able to use blasters and, eventually, pilot ships. And we are treated to a brief encounter with a group of zombie Wookies, which is pretty cool. Unfortunately, this is one of the few times the author puts the Star Wars setting to good use.

I could overlook the shortcomings of this book if it didn't feel like a simplistic attempt to cash in on the current zombie craze. The few gruesome scenes of zombie action don't add anything to the story, other than the required "ick" moment. And, as I mentioned earlier, the author doesn't use the Star Wars universe to any advantage. It all feels like an hollow exercise in marketing, hammered home by the ad at the back of the book (after the preview to another Star Wars novel) offering you the chance to continue fighting the zombie horde in the Star Wars online game.

And the author didn't bother to put a Jedi Knight on either ship!!! He blew a great opportunity for a zombie horde vs. Jedi with a Light Saber scene. Blasters are basically space shotguns and not too exciting as most everyone, including the zombies, end up armed at some point. The story needed someone like Yoda, bouncing off the walls in a blur of glowing death, making mincemeat out of a crowd of zombies. Or a zombie Jedi, slowly relearning how to use a Light Saber to block blaster fire. Too bad the author dropped the ball on this one.

Might be worth a read if you find it at your local library or at a used book store. But I'd recommend avoiding it and searching out better zombie (and Star Wars) novels. It's books like these that will lead to the death of the undead (for a while).

Next up: Zombies and comics.

The current Hollywood business model and the demise of off beat cinema

Lately, I've read a lot of online articles about the state of blockbusters and family entertainment and how such a narrow focus is ruining movies. But I think these articles are missing the main problem. If you think about it, the fault lies in the current business model adopted by the studios, which is leading to the blockbuster/family trend invading the cineplexes and forcing out smaller, independent films.

I think the studios are trying to maximize each movie's potential return by thinking like a short term trader. First, each movie is designed to make a shitload of cash on opening weekend. This involves making the film more of an event than anything else, and opening it in as many theaters as possible (often on two or more screens in the same multiplex). Then, as income trails off after the opening week, pull most of the prints, allow it to be shown on a few screens, but open the main theaters for the next cash cow. Every film is designed with the intent of generating massive returns in a short time, then dramatically scaling back the release to make way for the next blockbuster.

This strategy is also affecting home releases. The studios have closed the gap between a feature's theatrical run and home video release and want to tighten it further. Look at the outcry from theater owners in Britain when Disney announced the home release date for Alice in Wonderland by 5 weeks. Back when VHS releases became affordable for home purchase, you might wait up to a year before a film hit the market.

A shorter release window makes sense, if you subscribe to the idea of studios acting like short term brokers. The quicker the home release date, the faster the return comes in on your investment. And a quicker release date probably means more impulse buys, as the movie is fresh in the minds of consumers.

Of course, to maximize the profitability of any movie, one has to appeal to the largest demographic possible. As the teenage market seems to be fading (thanks to online sources, if you believe the studio's stance), Hollywood is targeting the family market. And, if you want a big return, it makes sense. A family of four attending the latest 3D cartoon will likely spend more than $100 at one screening (tickets, snacks, glasses, etc.). And you have a built-in audience for the DVD release, as the kids will want to watch the film at home, again and again.

The search for the largest audience is also the reason why most films try for a PG-13 rating, rather than an R. Families can go (with older children) and teens can walk into the film without a parent. The downside is that leaves anyone looking for something different are forced to wait for the months of late August to early November, or January to April, if they want something with more bite, intelligence or weirdness.

Unfortunately, that window is narrowing. The summer blockbuster season starts earlier each year (Iron Man 2 was released in early May, weeks before the traditional Memorial Day start of the big movie season). And often, the movies that make it to the theaters after the winter big releases tend to be blockbusters gone bad (seen the preview for The Green Hornet yet?), rather than low budget or independent films.

You can spend a lot of time blaming blockbuster and family movies for the lack of decent films coming out of Hollywood. But I believe it's the studios sticking to a model that will generate the greatest amount of money in the shortest amount of time.

Last House of the Left (2009)

Well, I had a free rental from Redbox Monday night, so I decided to check out 2009's Last House on the Left. I was curious about this one, as Craven's original film was just not that good. The pacing was uneven, some of the acting was awful and the buffoonish cops were jarring. Without the incredible onscreen brutality, and the controversy it generated, this film would be sold in one of those 50 film Mill Creek collections.

To my surprise, this film manages to improve upon the original, thanks to a tighter script and a strong cast. But before we celebrate the end of the bad remake curse, I have to warn you that the movie does stumble quite a bit and comes is rather bland. Part of it is the simple "been there, seen that" factor, as the basic story remains the same. But a few small changes introduced in the script come off as unnecessary and awkward.

Now, it's hard not to discuss where remake stumbles and succeeds without delving into spoiler territory. However, the trailers pretty much ruined the movie for me (more on that later) by giving away several key elements, so I don't feel too bad mentioning them here. But, be warned, here come the SPOILERS!

The film starts as Krug is being transported to prison by two plainclothes policemen, until he's rescue by his gang. Before fleeing the scene, Krug chokes one of the cops to death while holding a picture of the man's children in front of his bulging eyes. It's a pretty nasty scene, but absolutely unnecessary. By showing how brutal Krug and his gang can act, the scene spoils the impact of their actions later in the movie.

Anyway, the movie switches to the Collingwoods (John, Emma and daughter Mari), as they head to their isolated vacation home. The family is still reeling from the death of the Collingwood's son, who recently died in an accident. Mari borrows the family car and heads into town to meet up with her friend Paige. The two meet a teenage boy, Justin, who invites them back to his hotel room for a bit of a party, as Justin has some pot. Everything is fine, until Justin's dad, Krug, shows up.

The gang is in need of a new vehicle and Mari's SUV fits the bill. Krug decides to teach Justin a lesson in responsibility (as he shouldn't have brought guests to the hotel) by kidnapping the two girls. While driving down the forest roads, Mari tries to escape as the vehicle passes her house. The SUV wrecks and the gang takes their anger out on the girls. Paige is stabbed in the stomach and left to bleed to death, while Mari is raped by Krug.

I have to interject for a moment. I watched the unrated version and I believe this scene was trimmed to appease the MPAA. As presented in the unrated version, this is the most uncomfortable, graphic and brutal moment of the movie. While the original slowly escalates with several individual acts of degradation, the remake drives the gang's cruelty home in one knockout moment.

Mari staggers away from the gang and makes it to the lake. As a member of her school swim team, she's pretty fast and almost makes her escape. But she can't out swim a bullet and is left to die after Krug shoots her.

Stranded in a sudden storm and in need of medical attention, the gang stumble upon the Collingwood house. John is an ER doctor, so he stitches up Francis, who's taking quite an interest in Emma. Emma, however, is more interested in Justin, strictly in a maternal sense. Justin sees Mari's photo on the fridge and, full of remorse, leaves Mari's necklace in the kitchen around his coco mug. While my description sounds rushed, the movie builds slowly here, allowing the gang to come off as normal, while the Collingwoods start to sense something wrong with their guests.

As the house is now isolated from the rest of the world (phone and power lines are down, no car and shoddy cell reception), John and Emma let the gang stay in their guest house. After setting the gang up for the night, they discover Mari, near death, on the porch. They bring her into the house, where John struggles to save her without access to proper medical tools.

This is the strongest part of the movie, in my opinion, and justifies keeping Mari alive. John is forced to cauterize the gunshot wound and re-inflate a lung with household items. Then, while looking for other wounds, he discovers evidence that Mari was raped. It's a powerful moment, as you see John's emotional state run the gambit from dedicated surgeon to distressed parent to flat out rage after Emma informs him that Justin left Mari's necklace in the kitchen.

The Collingwoods decide to take their boat and get Mari to the hospital, leaving the gang for the police to arrest later. Now, we all know that's not going to happen, as Francis is looking for a drink and some loving, and the keys to the boat have been misplaced.

So, of course, mayhem ensues.

As I mentioned, the remake is full of moments that work well. The violence is brutal and very realistic (up until the climax, where yet another character dies, only to come back up again). And the script wisely avoids any attempt to defuse the building tension with comic relief.

But the film stumbles badly with Justin. It's not the fault of the actor, by any means. It's just that the character's presence is unwarranted. As both an aid or a surrogate son to the Collingwoods, Justin turns out to be as jarring as the idiot cops in the original.

And, as I mentioned above, most of the surprises are spoiled by the trailer. If you saw it, you know Mari survives and you know Krug's fate. Yes, the trailer gave away the end of the movie! I have no idea why studios feel the need to show you everything in the trailer, but I wish they would stop. As with Paranormal Activity and Quarantine, showing most of the highlights will ruin a film's impact.

For the most part, this remake isn't bad. But while the film is stronger than the original in some regards, the addition of Justin shows that Hollywood just can't leave well enough alone. Worth a cheap rental, but nothing more.

Mega Piranha (2010)

Okay, I've not seen the epic Birdemic, but Mega Piranha is likely the next best thing. This is one of the silliest, lamest efforts yet released by Troma.... Oooops, I mean The Asylem, and my face still hurts from grinning. Yes, it's so bad it could be considered a lot of fun.

Okay, the plot. Scientists, working in Venezuela, are trying to increase the food supply. So, naturally, they start tampering with piranha in order to help eliminate hunger in South America. The film never explains why, but I suspect that Mega Carp wouldn't be that exciting a title.

As you might imagine, the buggers get loose and start heading towards the ocean. And, while the scientists didn't breed them to live in the ocean, nature finds a way and soon, it's Navy Seals verse armored (oh, yea, the fish's scales have thickened, making them impervious to even nuclear weapons) piranha for control of the Florida Keys.

Now, if the fish stayed in the water, eating boats and Navy vessels, that would be silly enough. But the piranha are willing to beach themselves for tasty tidbits and eventually begin launching themselves into buildings to satisfy their ravenous hunger in scenes reminiscent of the Birdemic trailer. Warehouses explode, harbors are destroyed and, in the climax, giant piranha are ramming themselves into Florida seaside condos. All of this in very sub par CGI (if you think the fish in Alexendre Aja's upcoming Piranha 3D looks bad, you ain't see nothing yet).

If you're grinning from the above description, go rent this movie. If not, avoid it at all costs.

The acting is abysmal. The commander of a nuclear sub looks like he just stepped off the stage from a high school play. Tiffany (yes, the ex-pop star) comes off better than Debbie Gibson in Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, but that's not saying much. And Barry Williams (as Secretary Grady; get it?) looks absolutely bored throughout the entire movie.

But they all pale compared to the hero, played by Paul Logan. A 2 X 4 would give an Oscar winning performance compared to him. Sure, he might be trying to channel Dirty Harry or Snake Plissken, but he falls painfully short of the mark. His performance is so monotone, so unexciting, that it's painful to watch at times.

But, for fans of bad cinema, this film is a treasure trove of chuckle inducing moments. Like when Logan is on his back, kicking away an army of piranha leaping out of the water after him. Or the giant piranha stuck in the side of a beachfront condo. Or the murky waters of the Orinoco River, which at times look like the crystal clear waters of a coral reef. Or Logan defending himself from an underwater piranha attack with a knife. Oh, and I have to mention the piranha swimming down the river, leaping like a school of salmon. My face still hurts from laughing fit I had over that scene.

Look, it's not for everyone. It's not very gory (no surprise, as it was a Syfy movie) and it defies all attempts at seriousness. But for lovers of bad films, it's a great late night treat. It's the cinematic equivalent of an extra large, extra greasy cheese pizza, served at the right temperature and perfect for a night with a few friends and a good supply of beer. Dig in and have fun, if you dare!