Frightfully Funny Black Friday

Okay, the latest horror events in the Northwest are coming, but until then, enjoy this NSFW music video, Zombie Christmas, by Emmy the Great and Tim Wheeler.  It's awesome, and you can pick up the song on iTunes!  Check it out!!

The Green Slime (1968)

A co-production between MGM and Toei Studios, The Green Slime is the equivalent of a Saturday night Syfy movie.  You’ll never say it’s a good movie and the script has a few problems.  But the film is a great slice of cheesy fun and any quibbles about the script or special effects won’t diminish the joy of watching a group of astronauts battle silly rubber monsters with electrified tentacles.

What more can you want from this movie?

It’s the future and the international space agency discovers a giant asteroid is only 10 hours away from colliding with Earth.  I guess telescope technology has taken a few steps backwards, but hey, they have flying cars!  Looking out into space just wasn't as important as flying cars.  

Only retired Commander Jack Rankin (Robert Horton) is considered able to lead an expedition intent on destroying the space rock.  Of course, his rendezvous point is a space station ran by his ex-partner, Commander Vince Elliott (Richard Jaeckel), who Rankin considers unfit for a command position.  Oh, and Elliott is engaged to Rankin’s former flame, Dr. Lisa Benson (Luciana Paluzzi).  Yep, nothing could go wrong there.

Rankin, Elliott and a team from the station land upon the asteroid and start planting bombs, in scenes that makes one suspect Michael Bay saw this film as a kid.  The station’s scientist tags along, against Rankin’s wishes, and finds puddles of living Green Slime, the first proof of extraterrestrial life in the universe.  Rankin throws a bit of a tantrum when the scientist questions his orders to leave the specimen behind.  To foil any further arguments, Rankin grabs the glass jar containing the Slime and smashes it on the ground.  It shuts the scientist up, but allows a drop of the Slime to hitch a ride back to the space station in the folds of an astronaut’s suit.

The asteroid is destroyed, the rocket manages to survive the blast, and once the crew returns to the station, everyone starts dancing and drinking champagne in celebration.  Okay, I’m not a future astronaut, but one has to wonder why the station takes up precious storage space for crates of champagne. 

Flying cars and space stations loaded with booze!  The future looks awesome!

Of course, every party has a pooper and in this case, it’s that spot of Green Slime, which mutates during the Rankin-ordered triple decontamination of the space suits into a walking, one eyed, tentacle waving messenger of death for the poor technician that wasn’t invited to the party.  Elliott tries to capture the creature alive, but this leads to the death of several crewmen.  Of course, Rankin’s solution is to shoot the creature, which does little to keep the Slime creature from scurrying into the bowels of the station.  But it does leave a trail of Slime creature blood that spawns more of the little monsters.  And, as these creatures feed on any energy source, Rankin’s laser rifle attack has the same effect as offering the Slime creature a Red Bull.

Soon, the station is full of the Slime creatures, Rankin and Elliott quarrel as Rankin orders the destruction of the space station and the growing horde of Slime monsters make it to the exterior of the station, jamming the launch bay doors.  Rankin orders a group of men to battle the critters, allowing Elliott to defy Rankin and leads his men into battle with the monsters. 

Uh, can you direct us to the nearest airlock?

If you’re a fan of B-movies, you know the rest (be warned, there are SPOILERS ahead).  The crew is evacuated, but the remote self-destruct device fails, so SOMEONE stays behind to detonate the station.  SOMEONE goes back to help, SOMEONE dies and the messy love triangle is resolved.  

The script offers no surprise, but that doesn't matter, as the Slime creature attacks come often enough that one can forgive the cliched love triangle and hackney pissing match between Rankin and Elliott.  But the film fails by making Rankin, the film’s hero, a colossal ass.  It’s obvious the script wants the audience to root for Rankin, with his cocksure manner, perfectly coiffed hair and the fact that the sexy Dr. Benson is always looking at him longingly, even as she protests too much about their relationship being over.  And, sure, he might have a point criticizing Elliott for a botched rescue attempt in his past, but the script does nothing to make the character appealing.  

His little tantrum on the asteroid makes him more of a bully and less of a commander.  And while he berates Elliott for the botched attempt to take the creature alive, it’s his actions on the asteroid that allows the Slime to tag along.  And his order for a triple-decontamination of the space suits allows the Slime to mutate into a walking menace.  Finally, his decision to shoot the creature leads to the station’s infestation, making Elliott’s attempt seem the sensible decision.  Sure, it’s all hindsight, but Rankin continually berates Elliott’s previous command decisions without reflecting upon his own missteps,  And, while Rankin is comfortable sending a squad to battle the creatures on the surface of the station, while Elliott leaves the safety of the station to fight alongside his men.  

In fact, the script makes Elliott more heroic than Rankin, who comes off as more of a number cruncher, estimating the best course of action based on the least risk, while Elliott would have your back, no matter the danger.  

Come on, this is what the hero of this picture should be doing, rather than hiding in a command center

And Jenkins little "thumb up" salute to anyone injured or grieving comes off as pretty insensitive.  I suspect the filmmakers were trying to tie into the Apollo missions, showing that Jenkins is made of “the right stuff.”  It might have worked in the late 60's, but it comes off as (for lack of a better term) rather dickish and insensitive.  I hope kids in the audience, with dreams of becoming astronauts, were not inspired by Rankin, as such a role model would provide little hope for the future of successful space exploration.

That’s not to say Horton is a bad lead, but he’s as mishandled by the script as Paluzzi.  Sure, her role as Dr. Benson is to look good and give Rankin a reason to try and rekindle their relationship.  But after playing a lusty SPECTRE assassin in Thunderball, reduced Paluzzi to the damsel in distress is a bit of a let down.  If you cast an actress who gave James Bond a run for his money four years earlier, she needs to be given a bit more to do than scream and wait for the boys to come running.

Sorry fella, you're no Sean Connery

Given the previous paragraphs, one would suspect I didn’t like The Green Slime.  But, as stated at the start of this review, such criticisms can’t dispel the film’s charms.  Sure, you could pick the script to pieces, but the action starts early and seldom lets up, leaving the audience little time to realize how silly the story is.  The battles with the creatures (especially outside the space station) are pretty exciting, if you can accept the limited effects of the time.  And the filmmakers up the ante with some pretty graphic mayhem.  The Slime’s victims look horrific, thanks to some understated makeup and great cinematography.  And a nice bit of editing makes a falling victim look like he squirts blood from his head as he hits the ground.  It’s nothing compared to what you might see on television these days, but it adds to the menace of the monsters and makes them a more convincible threat than one would expect. 

Not exactly what you'd expect to see in a G-rated film, is it?

Whether it was the filmmaker’s intent or not, most B-movie fan’s inner five year old will squeal with delight as the spacemen battle those silly, yet iconic, rubber suited monsters.  And the story moves at a rapid enough pace that you won’t think too hard about the script’s problems until after the closing credits roll.  Invite some friends over, have a few drinks and enjoy the cheesiness!

You can buy The Green Slime through Warner Archives as a DVD On Demand.  Though it has no special features, the picture and sound quality is quite good and this version will do until the film is given a proper release by some other distributor (you listening, Scream Factory?).  

On a final note, I can’t forget to mention the theme song, one of the weirdest to ever grace a monster movie soundtrack.  Take a listen below…

Frightfully Funny Friday offering

So wrong, yet so hypnotic....

I can't stop watching this one......

This music video for Beyond Re-Animator is such a bad idea.  Yet, it achieves the awesome level of Ed Wood movies and Manos.  Just, wow....

Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948)

Most horror fans might consider Ghostbusters the best horror comedy ever filmed.  Though one cannot deny it’s a great movie, I suggest fans check out Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein and see if it knocks the modern, effects drenched film from their top slot.

This film features the classic The Universal Monsters, as the comedy duo face not only the Frankenstein’s Monster (Glenn Strange), but also The Wolf Man (Lon Chaney Jr.) and Dracula (Bela Lugosi, in his second, and final, appearance as Dracula).  That’s a classic line up, topped only by The Monster Squad.  And, like most classic comedies, the humor still works.  It might be considered tame and dated compared to modern horror comedies, but the film moves at a brisk pace and contains enough double entendres to keep fans of more adult humor happy.

How can you not love such a line up of classic monsters?

The film opens as Larry Talbot is trying to reach a shipping company in Florida.  Talbot has been on the trail of Dracula, who plans to revive the Frankenstein’s monster for some nefarious reason. Dracula's plot is never explained, but it doesn’t matter.

Talbot has the misfortune of talking to Wilbur (Costello), who works at the shipping company with his friend Chick (Abbott).  Or perhaps frenemy is a better turn, as Chick berates and smacks Wilbur every few minutes.  Anyway, Talbot tries to divert a shipment to McDougal’s House of Horrors, but the full moon rises and he becomes the Wolf Man before persuading Wilbur to prevent the deliver.

Wilbur and Chick deliver the crates containing the coffin (and body) of Dracula and the inanimate body of The Monster during a dark and stormy night (Yea, like you were expect otherwise).  Dracula revives the weakened Monster and the two walk out of the building, leaving Wilbur to try and convince McDougal and the police that the exhibits left on their own accord. 

I SO want a blooper reel for this film!

No one believes Wilbur, so he and Chick are arrested for the theft of McDougal’s exhibits.  The two are bailed out by a woman they assumed to be Wilbur’s girlfriend, Sandra (Lénore Aubert).  But insurance investigator Joan Raymond (Jane Randolph) is the one responsible for getting them out of jail, and plans to charm Wilbur into telling her what happened to the exhibits.

As expected, Sandra is working with Dracula and plans to transplant Wilbur’s brain into The Monster’s body, making it more susceptible to Dracula’s hypnotic power.  In the meantime, Talbot arrives in Florida, but his attempts to find Dracula are thwarted by the full moon.  It all culminates in a monster battle at a spooky castle that happens to be located in a Florida swamp.

The castle looked so big on the outside, yet in every hallway,

there's The Monster!

Yes, the plot is crammed full of troupes from previous Universal horror films and the early slapstick routines are pretty bad.  But one the monsters show up, the film is terrific.  Abbott and Costello’s comedy routines are perfect once the film discards the physical humor for some witty wordplay.  Wilbur’s antics are still wonderful, echoing the upcoming antics of Shaggy and Scooby at their best.  Chick’s disbelief in two beautiful women vying for Wilbur’s affections leads to some great one-liners for the adult members of the audience.  And that doesn’t include Talbot trying to explain how he will become a wolf later that evening, and Wilbur commenting, “You and twenty million other guys.”  It’s not sophisticated, but such comedy moments hit the mark more often than miss.

At the other end of the spectrum, Chaney, Lugosi and Strange all deliver in their roles.  It’s terrific to see Lugosi get the chance to be Dracula once again, and Chaney is as tortured as ever.  Strange only gets to lumber about as The Monster, but his stature is quite imposing and very menacing during the final act.

And Strange even popped Costello a good one in this scene.  

Yep, comedy is hard, and sometimes painful.

Unlike later Abbott and Costello Meet… features, the monsters are treated as serious threats, adding to the film’s charm.  Okay, the Wolf Man is played as a bit of a buffoon as he stalks Wilbur through the woods late in the second act, but it’s a slight lapse made for the sake of the plot.  In every other scene, the monsters are treated as respectable threats to the characters, despite Abbott and Costello’s comedy antics infused into the spooky moments.  The balance works, even though the audience knows the two buffoons will make it to the ending credits, while the monsters will perish (for the moment).  And be sure to keep an ear out, as another Universal Monster makes a guest appearance in the final scene.  It’s a great cameo (dis)appearance.

Despite the dated material, Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein is a sad comment on the state of current horror comedies.   Though the film is pretty childish at times, it’s nice to laugh at some wacky antics around scary monsters and settings, rather than a barrage of flatulence jokes.  Like The Ghost and Mr. Chicken, this film is another example that the art of writing good horror comedies has become lost to modern Hollywood.  

Damn right, our movie is better than the entire Scary Movie franchise!

Sugar Hill (1974)

In 1968, George Romero changed the cinematic zombie forever.  Night of the Living Dead disassociated the undead from their voodoo roots, making them flesh eating corpses created by an unknown force.  And though a few films maintained the zombie’s traditional origins during the 70s, the release of Dawn of the Dead buried the voodoo element under a cinematic spilling of blood and intestines. 

One of the tradition zombie films released between Night and Dawn was 1974’s Sugar Hill, a successful mix of traditional horror and blacksploitation elements from AIP (following the earlier Blacula and Scream, Blacula, Scream).  But viewers expecting a level of social commentary akin to Romero’s works will be disappointed.  Other than the basic blacksploitation trappings, Sugar Hill is little more than a simple revenge story wrapped in horror trappings.  But the film works thanks to a plot that transcends the racial turmoil of the time, a good cast, some creepy moments and surprisingly good zombie makeup.

The film opens at The Haitian nightclub.  Langston (Larry Don Johnson), the club’s owner, is being pressured to sell out to local gangster Morgan (Robert Quarry).  As Langston is steadfast in his refusal to sell, Morgan’s men beat him to death.

Yea, blink and you'll miss his performance

Langston’s girlfriend, Diana “Sugar” Hill, (Marki Bey), isn’t content to wait for the police to build a case against Morgan and his men.  Summoning voodoo lord of the dead Baron Samedi (Don Pedro Colley), she gains a zombie army and goes on a murderous rampage, dispatching the gang members before moving up to Morgan and his racist girlfriend.

As a blacksploitation film, Sugar Hill contains elements that could offend modern viewers.  Morgan and those around him drop the N-word with a shocking casualness, but one has to remember such attitudes were openly expressed with such language only a few decades ago.  And while Morgan is a surrogate figure for the white establishment that maintained a position of superiority through racial discrimination, the fact that his attitudes don't seem so outdated today is a bit depressing.  Perhaps such views are hidden from the public eye, but a quick tour of the Internet will show just how little some people have changed since the 70s.

But let's get back to the film, and Bey’s changing hairstyle.  Some might consider this a continuity error at first, but her appearance is another bit of political subtext in the film.  When we are first introduced to Sugar, and in all her dealings with “acceptable” (white) society, her hair is a shellacked helmet, designed to help her fit into a culture that would ostracize her.  Yet, once she unleashes her zombie army, the helmet is discarded.  Her Afro becomes a declaration against the white establishment that oppresses her.  It’s not subtle by any means, but quite effective.

Well, if I'm about to be fed to hungry pigs, I imagine this might be

 a more pleasant final image than Anthony Hopkins glaring at me.

But any examination of racial tensions is of secondary importance to the filmmakers.  And were the blacksploitation elements removed from the script, Sugar Hill would still work as a basic revenge flick.  Given the ease in which a modern audience could empathize with Sugar's desire to avenge her love's death, I’m surprised this film continues to be overlooked by many horror fans.  Despite the limitations of the budget, and of visual effects at the time, Sugar Hill is one of the better non-Romero-style zombie movies made and deserves a bigger fan base.

While the cast is fine, Colley’s performance as Baron Somedi is terrific.  While the character is a bit over the top most of the time, but one scene stands out.  The Baron watches one of Morgan’s men threaten a street fruit seller, and the expression of dismay and anger on Somedi's face is amazing.  And it gives credence to the film’s conclusion, as The Baron accepts a lesser payment than expected for his services.  This scene, which could be easy to overlook, solidifies the idea that Somedi's motivations for helping Sugar changed as he witnessed the intolerance practiced by Morgan and his men.

But damn, his less subtle moments are such fun to watch

As for the zombies, the design is rather simple, consisting of some body paint supplemented by cobwebs and reflective, bulging eyes.  But damn, is it effective.  At times, these zombies are creepier and more menacing than the ones in Romero’s first film.  Their blank, glowing eyes and ghastly grins work just as well as the gapping jaws of a flesh hungry zombie, even now.

Okay they aren't going to eat you, bet it doesn't make you feel any less

CREEPED OUT!

You can purchase the film through the Warner Achieves website as a DVD-R, and the picture and sound quality is quite good.  Don’t expect any extra features, as this is standard for DVD on demand releases.  Still, I was disappointed with the cover art.  Rather than the awesome movie poster (see the top of this post), we’re given a rather bland picture of Sugar and Mama Maitresse, with no trace of zombies at all.  It makes the film look more like a drama than a horror film, which is a mistake when trying to generate interest in a film that lacks a large fan base.  I assume this eliminated the need to pay royalties to the poster artist, but that’s a shame, as a simple change in the cover art would draw viewers unfamiliar with this film.

Yea, that's the DVD-R cover.  Don't judge the movie by it.

Regardless of the cover art, you should check out Sugar Hill.  The film holds up because, at its core, it’s a simple revenge flick.  Racial context aside, any modern viewer will understand Sugar’s motivation and have no problem cheering for her vengeful murder spree.  Toss in some creepy looking zombies and a maniacal Lord of the Dead, and it’s a film every horror fan will enjoy.

Frightfully Funny Friday: 10/18 edition

If you ever wonder why so many characters do such stupid things in horror films, check out the faux trailer for Hell, No: The Sensible Horror Film.  

This short features some language and scenes that are probably NSFW.

Yea, we'd be in and out of the theater in 15 minutes or less....

I, Frankenstein looks amazingly bad

Maybe I should have saved this for Frightfully Funny Friday, but it's not very funny.  In fact, it's quite depressing....

I watched the first part of this trailer in shock, wondering who was insane enough to turn The Monster into a reluctant action hero.  But once I saw the producers of the Underworld series were involved, everything about this trailer made sense.  It's the same formula that gave us Kate Beckinsale in pleather, or a tortured vampire falling in love with a Slayer.

The script writes itself at this point.  Take one brooding monster who is humanity's only hope against an army of CGI generated supernatural beings, add in massive battles, collapsing buildings and huge explosions.  Of course, the final ingredient is the inclusion of a British actor (in this case, Bill Nighy) as the villain, just to give the production a hint of class.  Stir well, then sit back and wait for a big opening weekend in January.

Of course, the expected outcome is another monster-as-hero franchise, which would be easy enough to ignore.  But the unholy offspring, should I, Frankenstein make enough money, will be studios rebooting other classic horror characters as heroes.

As one example, I'm sure some studio executive would love to turn Doctor Jekyll into a darker version of The Hulk, after that character made such an impression on audiences in The Avengers.  Just imagine the 3D CGI mayhem on the screen as a steroid-crazed Mr. Hyde battles a demonic horde intent on ruling the Earth.  After all, massive CGI destruction is a sure fire ingredient for big box office.

Or maybe Universal will finally reboot The Gill-Man, but turn him into humanity's only hope against an evil oil company CEO intent on using his off shore drilling operations to open the Gates of Hell.  Oh, and get Miley Cyrus to put on the swimsuit, as underwater twerking will look great in 3D!  A depressing thought, I know, but given Universal's recent track record rebooting their collection of monsters, such an unholy abomination is an almost certain outcome.

Before you chastise me for giving a studio head any ideas, I suspect such treatments (or ones even worse) are already on hold, as executives wait to see how I, Frankenstein does in the box office.  And if the studios smell money coming from this film, 2015 is could be a very long, depressing year.