The Monster of Piedras Blancas (1959)

 I suspect many monster fan remember the infamous publicity still from The Monster of Piedras Blancas, with the titular creature holding a decapitated head.  It graced the pages of countless horror magazines and still haunts the memories of older monster kids, myself included.  But, as with trailers and Roger Corman posters, the movies aren’t always as good as the promotional material and this film just doesn’t live up to such a terrific image.  At least not the movie I imagined as a kid.

Yea, that's the stuff of monster kid dreams right there

The film start ominously enough, as the monster’s claw reached into a bowl left for it by Sturges (John Harmon), the town lighthouse keeper.  Yet despite his attempts to sate the monster’s appetite, and keep its existence secret, once Sturges loses his meat scrap supply, it’s only a matter of time before the monster uses the town as a buffet line.

Sturges also has to contend with his daughter Lucille (Jeanne Cormen), on vacation from the boarding school he sent her to a decade earlier to keep her safe from the monster.  Yes, he’s been keeping the Monster a secret for that long, regardless of the occasional missing tourist or two.  Now an adult, Lucille is dating the young local scientist Fred (Don Sullivan) and is prone to impromptu nighttime skinny-dipping sessions, which always peaks a monster’s interest. 

As the decapitated bodies start piling up, the town’s doctor (Les Tremayne) and constable (Forrest Lewis) try to keep the residence from panicking, assuming the murders to be the work of a lunatic.  Even though they find a mysterious scale at one of the murder sites, no one suspects a monster is on the loose until it pops out of hiding with the head of its latest victim.

Okay, it strolls out.

This brings up the biggest problem with the film.  The audience knows a monster is involved, yet it takes over 45 minutes for the creature to show up on screen, other than a menacing claw or a shadow cast against a wall.  And once it emerges, all the audience gets to see is a shot of its torso and arm, along with a decapitated head. 

Sure, the scene broke taboos concerning film gore (along with a moment involving the head and a hungry crab), and likely shocked the busy-with-other-things drive in patrons back in the 50s.  But even after the authorities know about the monster, the film runs another 18 minutes before the monster’s full revel, and it’s just in time for the projectionist to start up the final reel.  It’s just not enough creature time for a movie with the word “Monster” in the title.

The script, written by H. Haile Chace, pads out the film with too much dialog and director Irvin Berwick slows things down even further by elongating too many scenes.  One prime example is of a young boy who is written into the script to find a victim of the monster.  But the build up to that moment involves him being allowed to skip walking to the cemetery for a funeral.  He leans on a post for a bit, then pulls out a knife and whittles on a stick.  He puts his knife away as an adult approaches (the shot is only of their feet, but come on, the audience isn’t falling for that bit of misdirection), then looks at the sidewalk, finds a coin and picks it up before finally entering the store and finding the shopkeeper’s corpse.  Yes, it’s as long and boring as it sounds and should have been trimmed to only a few seconds, rather than minutes.  But the film is filled with similar sequences and trimming every one would have cut the running time of this feature to a short.

The script falters further when it delves into monster movie clichés.  The endless discussion about the mysterious scale is one of the worst scientist-explains-it-to-the-audience moments ever filmed.  Even more egregious is the lover’s spat late in the film, which is so forced, it risks invoking chuckle from the audience.

Even those old science films from high school didn't last THIS long.

But despite the script’s problems, the cast delivers solid performance, making the film more watchable than expected.  And the climax at the lighthouse is a lot of fun, though one wishes the action was spread though out the film, rather than delivered in one concentrated dose. 

The pace of the film’s climax is so quick, it turns Lucille into an Olympic sprinter, as she appears to cover a couple of miles (while wearing a nightgown and slippers) when she runs out of the lighthouse to get help after the monster attacks her father. 

And she's not even winded when she runs back up the stairs.  She'd get the gold!

Berwick and Jack Kevan, both laid off from Universal Studio at the time, acted as producers on the film.  Berwick had worked for Jack Arnold and William Castle, among others, as an unbilled dialog director, while Kevan had labored in obscurity in the studio’s makeup department on films like Creature from the Black Lagoon (Bud Westmore, the department head, was notorious for denying his employees any publicity or credit).  Forming Vanwick Productions, the pair took advantage of deals offered by the studio to former employees on production vehicles and equipment, which explains why the film looks so good despite the low budget. 

As for the Monster, Kevan was able to use casts from earlier Universal monsters to create his creature, reducing effects costs.  But its Frankenstein-like creation doesn’t explain why director Berwick decided to keep the monster hidden for so much of the film’s running time.  The suit looks great (given the film’s budget) and Pete Dunn delivers a fine performance as the Monster.  And the filmmakers needn’t worrying about drive in audiences trying to figure out what parts belong to other monsters (they’d leave that task to nerds of the future). 

With more appearance of the titular creature and a tighter pace, The Monster of Piedras Blancas would have been a solid little B-picture.  The cast is terrific, the monster costume is great and the overall production looks wonderful, despite the rather grainy quality of version I watched.  But, despite the flaws, monster kids will continue to seek this film out, as I did, based on that awesome publicity still.  Just be aware, the movie you imagined for this monster is probably better than the one that ended up on drive in screens back in 1959.

But she does deliver a classic scream when the monster finally appears, just as I imagined.

Zombeavers.... Really?

Yep, this is happening.  I figure Zombeavers will either cause the death of the current zombie uprising in popular culture, or end up being the GREATEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR!

By the way, the trailer is NSFW...

Yea, we've got lousy looking beaver puppets, lots of sexual innuendos and a concept that is so insane, ABC's website claims this could be the next Sharknado.  But, as Syfy has proven, all it takes is the right concept, mixed in with the perfect amount of pre-planned cheese factor, to generate a film people can't help to watch.

However, I doubt you'll see it on cable anytime soon.  With all the sophomoric humor and what appears to be a few ladies without bikini tops, this film screams direct to DVD, with a limited theatrical release.

No release date has been announced, but the film is currently hitting the festival circuit.

Oh hell, you know I've got to see it.  Sure, my soul may burn in The Hell of Bad B-Movies for it, but it could be worth it.  And I SOOOOOO hope some theater under The Shadow Over Portland will bring it to us.  And what better place to show this film, as we've got a beaver on our state flag!

And we've got the Oregon Zombeavers, er, Beavers as a college football team!  Our state screams beavers, so let's hope a few zombeavers make it to a nearby theater.


And the fact that most of the possible theaters to screen this gem probably serve beer, and you've got the must see event in the Rotten Rose City this year.  Should this happen, you know you'll find out about it at The Shadow Over Portland, so stay tuned!

Director's Cut (2012)

The opening credits for Director’s Cut include a statement that screenwriter Claire “Fluff” Llewellyn used her experiences working on low budget horror movies as inspiration for her script.  The resulting short film is quite enjoyable, though it might lead to troubling thoughts concerning the state of independent horror productions.

The film starts as indie filmmaker Damon Ingmar (Happy Dave) finishes his latest script, which he knows will change the face of cinematic horror.  Of course, the film will contain lots of blood and boobs, though he doesn’t really have funds to pay for either.  And he’s having a problem finding the right actor to play the villain of the piece.

During an Internet search, he stumbles across the web page for Jeannie (Llewellyn), who promises to make one’s movie-making wishes come true.  And, as luck would have it, Jeannie appears at the door of his basement apartment to audition and is quickly cast as the villain.  As expected, mayhem ensues as she delivers on her website’s promise.

Yes, it’s a basic “Monkey Paw” style plot.  But the film works, thanks to Llewellyn’s script and her depiction of the people involved with independent horror productions.  Though the short contains a couple of likable characters, most of the people surrounding Ingmar are more concerned with stroking their own ego than making a decent film. And while it's entertaining to see what happens to these characters, it's also rather depressing to realize they are based on real people and events.  But, at least in horror films, such behavior is often rewarded in a gruesome fashion.

Happy Dave’s portrayal of Ingmar is terrific.  He chews up the scenery at every chance, a loud mouthed, insufferable ass convinced of his own genius while reveling he has neither the skill nor the talent to make a movie.  Though his performance could have devolved into high camp, Dave keeps the character relatable to the audience, at least to those who've worked around such a person.

The only downfall to Dave's performance is the rest of the cast suffers for it.  The actors don’t get enough screen time to develop their characters and insure a reaction from the audience once their fate is reveled.  

I’m sure Llewellyn could have remedied that situation, had the film’s running time been lengthened a bit.  And I’m certain the actors would be up for the task as well.  Though Happy Dave steals the show, the rest of the cast is quite good, despite a couple of rough spots.  

Director/editor Christopher Kahler’s work is solid.  While his interior camerawork suffers from the confines of the locations used in the film, his exterior work is very good and much more interesting.  And one of the death sequences is quite shocking, thanks to skillful editing and some well composed shots.

My only real complaint is with the nude scenes.  Due to Ingmar’s constant rants about having bare breasts in his film, Llewellyn’s script seems to have taken a stance against such gratuitous moments.  This makes the inclusion of two montages of topless women at odds with the script’s tone.  The fact that these scenes are composed of footage from other sources (rather than shot for the film), and neither adds anything to the plot, makes the sequences feel out of place and included only to satisfy the prurient interests of some audience members.  A minor quibble, to be sure, but the scenes distract from the rest of the film. 

Despite a familiar plot, Director’s Cut is a well-told tale and a revealing look at the people creating low budget horror films.  To be fair, I’m sure not everyone involved in the indie horror scene is as despicable as Ingmar and the others in his cast and crew.  But it is depressing to think of filmmakers, like the ones that inspired this short, are making movies, regardless of the budget involved.

Oh, Jeannie, where art thou?

Santa Claws (1996)

One would expect a Christmas slasher film written and directed by John Russo, starring Debbie Rochon, several cast members from George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead and three aspiring scream queens willing to get naked on camera would be a major cult classic.  But Santa Claws feels as old and tired as the Christmas Muzak pumped into the malls this time of year.  It’s unfair to call this film a lump of coal, but it’s like the bundle of socks you receive for Christmas, rather than the present you really wanted.

The film focuses on the troubles of scream queen Raven Quinn (Rochon).  It’s Christmas and she has to figure out how to tell her daughters that their father Eric (John Mowod) plans to file for divorce.  The kid’s grandmother (Marilyn Eastman) and daughter aren’t thrilled about her daughter-in-law’s profession, which involved getting naked for the camera, despite the fact that Eric got Raven into that line of work  and is the one photographing the models.

It’s fortunate for her that next door neighbor Wayne (Grant Cramer) is willing to babysit the girls, allowing Raven to film her segment of Scream Queen Christmas.  But Wayne is quite psychotic, having killed his mother and her boyfriend when he was very young, and now has an unhealthy fixation on the Scream Queen next door.  And he’s willing to do anything to help her career and win over her affections.

Not that one would blame the young Wayne once you see the reason

for his shooting spree.

Yep, that’s the plot.  But that shouldn’t surprise most slasher fans, as the genre contains films with less of a storyline, and still manage to be a lot of fun.  But Santa Claws goes wrong too many times to be counted as even dumb fun.

It’s not the fault of the actors.  Rochon is good and Cramer is very intense (though, to be honest, his performance suffers thanks to some questionable editing and too much exposition).  And, in a brief appearance, Karl Hardman (Harry Cooper in NOTLD) is awesome, as he performs his own stunts during his battle against Wayne and does a great job.

And the film’s shortcomings are not the fault of the technical glitches, cheap set designs and other thing that are inherent to low budget filmmaking.  Yes, the snow disappears within the space of a day, Eric’s photo shot is in a hotel room with a few skulls to give it a “spooky” atmosphere and the sound has issues in a few spots.  But such problems are to be expected with low-budget filmmaking, and the right touches behind the camera can make the difference between a fun little romp and a waste of time.  Toss in a few moments of T and A, then fill the screen with blood, repeat until the final credits roll, and you’ve got a cult favorite. 

It all seems pretty simple, but Santa Claws gets the formula backwards.  Russo spends more time on the naked photo shots of the actresses than the onscreen mayhem.  Even worse, the script limits Wayne in his weapon of choice.  Coupled with a limited effects budget, and the end result is a film with too much nudity and not enough blood and gore. 

Yea, this is about as good as the gore effects get.

All this is understandable, as Russo created Wayne as more a Norman Bates than Jason Vorheesse.  But the script fails to generate any suspense, as the script shows Wayne is psychotic early on.  And how he infiltrated Raven’s life without triggering her stalker alarm is a mystery, especially after she describes for her daughters some of the crazy fans she’s met at conventions. 

Had Russo written Wayne’s character more like Bates, leaving a bit of mystery concerning both the identity of the killer and Wayne’s past, the story would have been more engaging.  Instead, as the audience knows who the killer is, all one can do is wade through endless scenes of gratuitous nudity and wait for him to strike again.

And before the hate e-mail comes in, let me make one thing clear.  I have no problem with nudity in horror films, which is evident in my review of Piranha 3D.  But where that film hit the right balance of titillation and gory thrills, Russo tips the scale too far, padding the film’s running time with endless shots of various actresses undressing.  Sure, the scenes are often intercut with moments that move the film forward, but Russo keeps coming back to a scene of an aspiring scream queen posing naked on the screen to a point where the audience has to suspect he is selling flesh, not the film.

Perhaps the padding was needed to get the film up to a feature running time.  But the script has moments that are potential satirical gold and would have made for a more interesting feature.  The life of a Scream Queen is pretty much laid out early on, as Raven is chastised by her mother-in-law for being the one in front of the camera.  It’s a brilliant moment, but Russo’s script doesn’t build upon it or other moments.  Instead of taking the opportunity to bite at the hand that feeds him, Russo offers up more flesh to the more prurient interest of some horror fans.

Yea, half way through this film, you'll be screaming, "Please, not ANOTHER 

 cheap T and A shot."  

Such padding isn’t much of a surprise, as, in the same year, Russo released Scream Queens Naked Christmas, a 60-minute video promo for Santa Claws that likely features most of the nudity in the film.  Oh, Roger Corman would be so proud.  And, given his involvement with the magazine Scream Queens Illustrated, it’s easy to see how Russo is trying to appeal to genre fans. 

Another problem with the film is the deaths have no real impact.  Sure, in a slasher film, characterization isn’t a major concern, but most scripts offer the audience stereotypical characters that we either love or hate, providing an emotional reaction to their deaths.  But Russo’s script delivers such bland characters, the audience can be forgiven for not caring about their deaths.  It’s fine to have a few such characters to act as fodder for the mincing maniac, but not every one except our final girl.

I’d like to think Russo was trying to deliver a sly jab at the scream queen personae.  After all, the film includes moments outside the photo shoots where the women act like they are still posing for the camera.  One could suggest this is a bit of satire, but the film contains no context to support this claim.  And, considering Russo’s involvements beyond this movie, one has to suspect Santa Claws was little more than an advertisement for Scream Queens Illustrated, one fans would pay to receive.

Now Roger Corman is just envious.

And I've ran out of online still to show you, because of, well, 

boobs.

Regardless of the filmmaker’s intent, and the performances from the actors, Santa Claws is rather forgetful Slasher Claus fare.  It’s okay, if that’s all you have to fulfill your holiday slasher craving, or you don’t have access to online porn at the moment.  But it’s easy to find better films to satisfy your Christmas craving for fear.

Gremlins (1984)

It’s easy to dismiss Gremlins as a kid’s movie, given the film’s adorable main creature and it’s marketing potential.  But the film has a much darker subtext, delivering a sharp jab at standard holiday fare, and the puppet work is still amazing, even in the age of CGI effects.  When this film is rebooted (and we all know it will happen), I suspect it will lack the dark humor and believable monsters of the original.  In fact, the only good point to a reboot is the possibility of a better Special Edition of the original, which wouldn’t be a bad thing. 

But, that’s enough speculation.  Let’s get to the movie, which opens with down on his luck (and rather inept) inventor Randall Peltzer (Hoyt Axton) visiting a Chinatown shop to find a gift for his son.  Unable to resist a sales pitch for his latest invention, Peltzer is interrupted by the song of a Mogwai.  Fascinated by the creature (wisely kept in shadows at this point, he tries to buy it, but the shop owner (Keye Luke) insists that the creature is not for sale.  His Grandson (John Louie), however, is interested in the monetary gain and gets Peltzer the Mogwai in a back alley.

But he's SO CUTE!  How can this end badly?

At least the kid tells Peltzer the three rules for owning a Mogwai.  It must be kept away from any bright light and sunlight (which can kill it), it can’t be exposed to water and it must never fed after midnight, no matter how much it begs. 

Sounds pretty simple, but once Peltzer gives the critter to his son, Billy (Zach Gilligan), things start to go south.  Billy’s friend Pete (Corey Feldman) manages to spill water on the Mogwai, now called Gizmo, and generates five more evil-tempered Mogwai lead by Stripe.  And, no surprise, Billy is tricked into feeding the new gremlins after midnight (no spoiler alert needed, as you should have seen that one coming).

Soon, the five Mogwai are in a pupal stage, emerging from their rather Giger-styled cocoons, more reptilian and intent on destroying everything in sight.  Soon Billy. Gizmo and Billy’s girlfriend Kate (Phoebe Cates) are the only ones standing against an invasion of gremlins spreading across the country.

Here we come, a caroling....

The story is pretty solid, as Billy and his family find that cute packages often come with a heavy price tag, a lesson most Black Friday shoppers have yet to learn.  Still the script stumbles with the sequences bookending the movie, involving the Chinatown shopkeeper.  The scenes do play off the oft-used stereotype of an ancient civilization being wiser than a modern society, but that’s not the problem.  Gremlins emerged into pop-culture as creatures creating mechanical issues for RAF crews during World War One and Two, with author Roald Dahl credited for bringing the creature to American culture with his picture book, The Gremlins.  Walt Disney even considered making a live action/animation movie based on Dahl’s tale.

Billy’s neighbor, Mr. Futterman (the always great Dick Miller), even brings the WWII connection up during one of his rants against foreign imports.  So the idea of a Chinese shop owner having a Mogwai seems a bit off, considering the (Americanized) version came into pop culture during World War Two, and the RAF legend was never connected with the Chinese.  It's as if scriptwriter Christopher Columbus changed the history of the gremlin, without giving any context, at least for those with a history even as limited as the Bugs Bunny cartoon.

Ah, what's up, Doc?

Another problem during the opening scene is how easy it is for Peltzer to find Gizmo.  The basket acting as Gizmo’s prison is in the main aisle of the Chinatown shop, not hidden away from prying eyes.  Never mind wondering why Gizmo is content to spend its life in a basket, one has to wonder why keeping the creature in plain view of the public.  Or alive at all, as the shopkeeper and his son imply that gremlins will do anything to turn from their cute, furry state to mischievous monsters.  Gizmo might be the exception, as he refuses to eat after midnight, One has to question the idea behind keeping such a potentially dangerous creature alive, as it seems to serve no other purpose than to be cute and generate nastier versions of itself.

But that wouldn’t make for a good movie, so one can let that little script problem pass.  However, as the film enters its third act, the script includes a scene that needed to be placed on the cutting room floor.  As Billy rescues Kate from a bar-full of gremlins, the film takes a break in the action as Kate explains why she hates Christmas time.  It’s intended to be emotionally wrenching, and Cates delivers the moment quite well.  Still, it felt too humorous when I first saw the film in the theaters back in the 80s and, thanks to The Darwin Awards, it’s even funnier now.  It’s not the fault of the writing, or the actors.  But as Kate describes her horrible Christmas experience, one has to wonder how her father never heard of a chimney flue.

I can't believe how many photos from Fast Times at Ridgemont High you'll find Goggling

Phoebe Cates Gremlins Movie

It might be easy to forgive these missteps were this little more than a movie aimed at children, a piece of promotion more interested in moving toys that telling a story.  But director Joe Dante and screenwriter Chris Columbus have something more subversive in mind, as the film works as an adult satire on holiday films.

This is obvious early in the film, as Billy runs down the main street of Kingston Falls on his way to work.  The scene is lifted from Jimmy Stewart’s run down Bedford Falls at the end of It’s a Wonderful Life.  And, like George Bailey, Billy works at a financial institute.  But he’s a clerk at a bank, at odds with a Potter-like character, Mrs. Deagle (Polly Holliday).

But, as if tweaking the rose-colored glasses view of America in Capra’s film, Billy is powerless against Deagle, who also lets loose a bit of The Wicked Witch of the West as she wants to kill Billy’s dog.  And Gremlins doesn’t shy away from Deagle’s callousness towards the suffering of others, as she confronts one of her renters (played by Belinda Balaski), making her attitude more horrendous than the villainy of the (metaphorically) mustache twirling Potter.

Even Batman might revoke his stance on not killing villains for this person.

Yet the script gives Deagle a moment of humanity before her come-uppance, further subverting the audience’s expectations.  Sure, she’s a crazy catlady, but this moment of softness is unexpected from most movie villains, another sly dig by Dante and Columbus.  While not explaining her villainy, they at least show that, in one aspect of her life, the Wicked Witch has a soft spot.  It’s a nice, very adult touch that echoes the approach of the 40s Warner Bros. cartoons, delivering humor that will make both parents and children laugh, though for different reasons.

The script does gloss over the deaths of many of Kingston Falls, through careful editing.  But adults will realize the mayhem has been sanitized, when it comes to the human toll.  Still, it’s hard to accept that the film shies away from such moments, giving the mayhem inflicted on three of the changed gremlins by Billy’s mother (Frances Lee McCain).  We get a graphic gremlin death by blender and microwave, and she does stab one repeatedly with a butcher knife, making her the most badass mom ever shown on the screen. 

Mrs. Peltzer, kitchen ninja

Sure, the latter death isn’t shown on screen, but it’s still quite intense, thanks to McCain’s acting.  And the other deaths cover the kitchen with copious amounts of green gremlin guts.  So, the lack of human blood might seem a bit odd, but one has to remember that Gremlins had only two rating choices, PG or R.  By minimizing the human violence, the filmmakers were able to get the gremlin gore past the MPAA.  But, along with Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Gremlins prompted the MPAA to instigate the now infamous (to horror fans) PG-13 rating.  

While one can view the rating as a way for the studio to diminish the gore and market to the widest audience now, the reason for the rating is obvious to elder horror fans.  The violence and gore in Gremlins, Temple of Doom and Jaws was more extreme than the PG rated films before them, yet the violence wasn’t graphic enough to warrant an R rating in the MPAA’s view.  Regardless of the outcome, it was a wise move by the MPAA (and I can’t believe I wrote that) after Spielberg introduced family friendly gore to the nation. 

Just your typical holiday fare.

With a chainsaw attack....

Speaking of Spielberg (credited as executive producer on Gremlins), one could dismiss this as a Spielberg directed film, as many suspect of Poltergeist.  Both films contain his normal themes concerning middle class American families.  Yet, by the film’s midpoint, Gremlins rips the lid off such fantasies and lies bare the basic facts of the American Dream.  Only Dante would imply that good guys will finish last, striving to be successful, rather than just exist, could result in your child supporting you, and that evil hides in the most pleasant packages.  As with Dante’s earlier works, the nastier and more subversive moments of Gremlins shows he’s in total control of the project.

While Spielberg has yet to explore such elements and, given his track record, never will, as a producer, he allows other directors to expose the dark underbelly of his treasured Americana memories.  One could see this as a criticism of Spielberg, but I prefer to see such comments as commending his understanding of his strengths, and weaknesses, as a filmmaker, and allowing others to explore themes he's unwilling to explore.

Least I be considered negligent, one can't forget the efforts of Chris Walas and his effects crew cannot be understated.  Their work is miraculous, infusing Gizmo and his fellow gremlins with such life that one could believe the puppet performances are trained animals.  The effects crew’s work is reminiscent of a Harryhausen movie, as unbelievable characters become flesh and blood on the screen.  Yes, the effects are that good and hold up that well.

Wow, that's a lot of puppets.  And they look so much better than the upcoming

CGI version of this scene.

The combination of a kid friendly creature, a dark bit at Christmas movies and some rather gruesome elements provides a perfect holiday cocktails mixed by Joe Dante in Gremlins.  Such a balanced concoction is rare in modern cinema, as risk is weighted against the odds of getting the characters on a 7-11 Big Gulp cup.  But, for a brief time, filmmakers and studios were willing to take the risk of alienating some audience members in an attempt to make a film worth a yearly viewing.  Almost 30 years later, Gremlins holds up to seasonal view.  So if you’re sick of the standard eggnog served up every December, dip into this spiked treat.

Frightfully Funny Friday, Holiday Edition

Okay, the sound quality is not the best, but the Transylvanian Court deliver some great Cthulhu themed carols at the 2012 Texas Renaissance Festival.  Damn, who would have thought you'd find this deep in the heart of Texas?  It's AWESOME!!!

Safe for work, but not your sanity......

YES!! Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark is a movie and it looks spectacularly bad in the best way possible!

Well, I found this over the weekend, the trailer for The Asylum's latest giant monster movie, Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MwQ6HIQV0YQ

Sorry, I can't embed the video, so you'll have to click on the link above.  But oh, it's so worth it!

Yep, just like Godzilla, the oversized shark is about to be challenged by his robot version.  But will Mega Shark try to destroy it, or make love to it?  Oh yea, that's Debbie Gibson in the trailer, telling the military that a horny Mega Shark is an angry one.

So, if you're like me, you want to know how you can see this spectacular piece of cheesy goodness.  But after searching the Syfy webpage, I can't find the movie on the schedule for December or January.  The Asylum website has a DVD street date of January 28, 2014, but the DVD can not be pre-ordered from Amazon at this time.

As the trailer just dropped this week, I doubt the film has hit the airwaves yet.  So I wonder if this film has fallen victim to the recent shakeup at Syfy, with Mark Stern being booted out and replaced by Bill McGoldrick (as reported by Variety).  I know the movie isn't playing for the next two months on Thursday, Friday or Saturday, as I did a day by day search (why no, I had nothing better to do with my time, as The Walking Dead is on a mid season hiatus).  But I will say the programming looks pretty tepid.  Lots of old Syfy Originals, a few marathons (some seasonal, others not) and the continued WWE event on Fridays, as well as lots of older "blockbusters."  I mean really, Syfy, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull?  Have you not read the backlash from the nerd audience on this one?

Maybe McGoldrick is reconsidering The Asylum's contributions to Syfy programming.  After all, the schedule feels like a bit of a stall, giving Mc Goldrick a chance to come up with a formula to rejuvenate the channel  And, should that be the case, I can only suggest that McGoldrick include The Asylum as part of his programming strategy.  After all, The Asylum has given Syfy some of its most popular Original Movies ever and such a track record isn't easy to replace.

I could be wrong about this feature.  McGoldrick could have seen the finished product and thought it was so bad that he wouldn't let it on the air.  And to that, I remind him of Sharktopus, Sharknado and Mega Shark vs. Gatoroid.  Oh, and let's not forget Mega Piranha.  Nothing can be worse than Mega Piranha, yet that movie is such damn fun I watch my DVD version at least as often as I watch Maximum Overdrive (which is quite often).

I'm sure many Syfy viewers can mention other bad Original Movies, but most were terrific fun on a Saturday night with a bunch of friends and lots of beer.  And seriously, if we're at home on a Saturday night, we're looking for some dumb, drunken fun from a movie.  So, for starts, move the Original Movie Premiere back to Saturday night and keep The Asylum pictures coming.  It's the right night for a drunken bad movie viewing and, at this point, no one does it better on such short notice as The Asylum.    

That said, I hope the street date for Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark holds, because this movie looks too amazingly bad to miss.  And, Mr. McGoldrick, if you let this one get away from Syfy, your tenure is off to a rocky start.