Well, I had a free rental from Redbox Monday night, so I decided to check out 2009's Last House on the Left. I was curious about this one, as Craven's original film was just not that good. The pacing was uneven, some of the acting was awful and the buffoonish cops were jarring. Without the incredible onscreen brutality, and the controversy it generated, this film would be sold in one of those 50 film Mill Creek collections.
To my surprise, this film manages to improve upon the original, thanks to a tighter script and a strong cast. But before we celebrate the end of the bad remake curse, I have to warn you that the movie does stumble quite a bit and comes is rather bland. Part of it is the simple "been there, seen that" factor, as the basic story remains the same. But a few small changes introduced in the script come off as unnecessary and awkward.
Now, it's hard not to discuss where remake stumbles and succeeds without delving into spoiler territory. However, the trailers pretty much ruined the movie for me (more on that later) by giving away several key elements, so I don't feel too bad mentioning them here. But, be warned, here come the SPOILERS!
The film starts as Krug is being transported to prison by two plainclothes policemen, until he's rescue by his gang. Before fleeing the scene, Krug chokes one of the cops to death while holding a picture of the man's children in front of his bulging eyes. It's a pretty nasty scene, but absolutely unnecessary. By showing how brutal Krug and his gang can act, the scene spoils the impact of their actions later in the movie.
Anyway, the movie switches to the Collingwoods (John, Emma and daughter Mari), as they head to their isolated vacation home. The family is still reeling from the death of the Collingwood's son, who recently died in an accident. Mari borrows the family car and heads into town to meet up with her friend Paige. The two meet a teenage boy, Justin, who invites them back to his hotel room for a bit of a party, as Justin has some pot. Everything is fine, until Justin's dad, Krug, shows up.
The gang is in need of a new vehicle and Mari's SUV fits the bill. Krug decides to teach Justin a lesson in responsibility (as he shouldn't have brought guests to the hotel) by kidnapping the two girls. While driving down the forest roads, Mari tries to escape as the vehicle passes her house. The SUV wrecks and the gang takes their anger out on the girls. Paige is stabbed in the stomach and left to bleed to death, while Mari is raped by Krug.
I have to interject for a moment. I watched the unrated version and I believe this scene was trimmed to appease the MPAA. As presented in the unrated version, this is the most uncomfortable, graphic and brutal moment of the movie. While the original slowly escalates with several individual acts of degradation, the remake drives the gang's cruelty home in one knockout moment.
Mari staggers away from the gang and makes it to the lake. As a member of her school swim team, she's pretty fast and almost makes her escape. But she can't out swim a bullet and is left to die after Krug shoots her.
Stranded in a sudden storm and in need of medical attention, the gang stumble upon the Collingwood house. John is an ER doctor, so he stitches up Francis, who's taking quite an interest in Emma. Emma, however, is more interested in Justin, strictly in a maternal sense. Justin sees Mari's photo on the fridge and, full of remorse, leaves Mari's necklace in the kitchen around his coco mug. While my description sounds rushed, the movie builds slowly here, allowing the gang to come off as normal, while the Collingwoods start to sense something wrong with their guests.
As the house is now isolated from the rest of the world (phone and power lines are down, no car and shoddy cell reception), John and Emma let the gang stay in their guest house. After setting the gang up for the night, they discover Mari, near death, on the porch. They bring her into the house, where John struggles to save her without access to proper medical tools.
This is the strongest part of the movie, in my opinion, and justifies keeping Mari alive. John is forced to cauterize the gunshot wound and re-inflate a lung with household items. Then, while looking for other wounds, he discovers evidence that Mari was raped. It's a powerful moment, as you see John's emotional state run the gambit from dedicated surgeon to distressed parent to flat out rage after Emma informs him that Justin left Mari's necklace in the kitchen.
The Collingwoods decide to take their boat and get Mari to the hospital, leaving the gang for the police to arrest later. Now, we all know that's not going to happen, as Francis is looking for a drink and some loving, and the keys to the boat have been misplaced.
So, of course, mayhem ensues.
As I mentioned, the remake is full of moments that work well. The violence is brutal and very realistic (up until the climax, where yet another character dies, only to come back up again). And the script wisely avoids any attempt to defuse the building tension with comic relief.
But the film stumbles badly with Justin. It's not the fault of the actor, by any means. It's just that the character's presence is unwarranted. As both an aid or a surrogate son to the Collingwoods, Justin turns out to be as jarring as the idiot cops in the original.
And, as I mentioned above, most of the surprises are spoiled by the trailer. If you saw it, you know Mari survives and you know Krug's fate. Yes, the trailer gave away the end of the movie! I have no idea why studios feel the need to show you everything in the trailer, but I wish they would stop. As with Paranormal Activity and Quarantine, showing most of the highlights will ruin a film's impact.
For the most part, this remake isn't bad. But while the film is stronger than the original in some regards, the addition of Justin shows that Hollywood just can't leave well enough alone. Worth a cheap rental, but nothing more.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Mega Piranha (2010)
Okay, I've not seen the epic Birdemic, but Mega Piranha is likely the next best thing. This is one of the silliest, lamest efforts yet released by Troma.... Oooops, I mean The Asylem, and my face still hurts from grinning. Yes, it's so bad it could be considered a lot of fun.
Okay, the plot. Scientists, working in Venezuela, are trying to increase the food supply. So, naturally, they start tampering with piranha in order to help eliminate hunger in South America. The film never explains why, but I suspect that Mega Carp wouldn't be that exciting a title.
As you might imagine, the buggers get loose and start heading towards the ocean. And, while the scientists didn't breed them to live in the ocean, nature finds a way and soon, it's Navy Seals verse armored (oh, yea, the fish's scales have thickened, making them impervious to even nuclear weapons) piranha for control of the Florida Keys.
Now, if the fish stayed in the water, eating boats and Navy vessels, that would be silly enough. But the piranha are willing to beach themselves for tasty tidbits and eventually begin launching themselves into buildings to satisfy their ravenous hunger in scenes reminiscent of the Birdemic trailer. Warehouses explode, harbors are destroyed and, in the climax, giant piranha are ramming themselves into Florida seaside condos. All of this in very sub par CGI (if you think the fish in Alexendre Aja's upcoming Piranha 3D looks bad, you ain't see nothing yet).
If you're grinning from the above description, go rent this movie. If not, avoid it at all costs.
The acting is abysmal. The commander of a nuclear sub looks like he just stepped off the stage from a high school play. Tiffany (yes, the ex-pop star) comes off better than Debbie Gibson in Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, but that's not saying much. And Barry Williams (as Secretary Grady; get it?) looks absolutely bored throughout the entire movie.
But they all pale compared to the hero, played by Paul Logan. A 2 X 4 would give an Oscar winning performance compared to him. Sure, he might be trying to channel Dirty Harry or Snake Plissken, but he falls painfully short of the mark. His performance is so monotone, so unexciting, that it's painful to watch at times.
But, for fans of bad cinema, this film is a treasure trove of chuckle inducing moments. Like when Logan is on his back, kicking away an army of piranha leaping out of the water after him. Or the giant piranha stuck in the side of a beachfront condo. Or the murky waters of the Orinoco River, which at times look like the crystal clear waters of a coral reef. Or Logan defending himself from an underwater piranha attack with a knife. Oh, and I have to mention the piranha swimming down the river, leaping like a school of salmon. My face still hurts from laughing fit I had over that scene.
Look, it's not for everyone. It's not very gory (no surprise, as it was a Syfy movie) and it defies all attempts at seriousness. But for lovers of bad films, it's a great late night treat. It's the cinematic equivalent of an extra large, extra greasy cheese pizza, served at the right temperature and perfect for a night with a few friends and a good supply of beer. Dig in and have fun, if you dare!
Okay, the plot. Scientists, working in Venezuela, are trying to increase the food supply. So, naturally, they start tampering with piranha in order to help eliminate hunger in South America. The film never explains why, but I suspect that Mega Carp wouldn't be that exciting a title.
As you might imagine, the buggers get loose and start heading towards the ocean. And, while the scientists didn't breed them to live in the ocean, nature finds a way and soon, it's Navy Seals verse armored (oh, yea, the fish's scales have thickened, making them impervious to even nuclear weapons) piranha for control of the Florida Keys.
Now, if the fish stayed in the water, eating boats and Navy vessels, that would be silly enough. But the piranha are willing to beach themselves for tasty tidbits and eventually begin launching themselves into buildings to satisfy their ravenous hunger in scenes reminiscent of the Birdemic trailer. Warehouses explode, harbors are destroyed and, in the climax, giant piranha are ramming themselves into Florida seaside condos. All of this in very sub par CGI (if you think the fish in Alexendre Aja's upcoming Piranha 3D looks bad, you ain't see nothing yet).
If you're grinning from the above description, go rent this movie. If not, avoid it at all costs.
The acting is abysmal. The commander of a nuclear sub looks like he just stepped off the stage from a high school play. Tiffany (yes, the ex-pop star) comes off better than Debbie Gibson in Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, but that's not saying much. And Barry Williams (as Secretary Grady; get it?) looks absolutely bored throughout the entire movie.
But they all pale compared to the hero, played by Paul Logan. A 2 X 4 would give an Oscar winning performance compared to him. Sure, he might be trying to channel Dirty Harry or Snake Plissken, but he falls painfully short of the mark. His performance is so monotone, so unexciting, that it's painful to watch at times.
But, for fans of bad cinema, this film is a treasure trove of chuckle inducing moments. Like when Logan is on his back, kicking away an army of piranha leaping out of the water after him. Or the giant piranha stuck in the side of a beachfront condo. Or the murky waters of the Orinoco River, which at times look like the crystal clear waters of a coral reef. Or Logan defending himself from an underwater piranha attack with a knife. Oh, and I have to mention the piranha swimming down the river, leaping like a school of salmon. My face still hurts from laughing fit I had over that scene.
Look, it's not for everyone. It's not very gory (no surprise, as it was a Syfy movie) and it defies all attempts at seriousness. But for lovers of bad films, it's a great late night treat. It's the cinematic equivalent of an extra large, extra greasy cheese pizza, served at the right temperature and perfect for a night with a few friends and a good supply of beer. Dig in and have fun, if you dare!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
I Gamed with A Zombie! Part Two
As mentioned in my earlier post, May of the Dead (held on May 31 at Guardian Games) was a great opportunity to try out zombie and undead themed games. But I also had a chance to talk with Martin Vavra of Galaxy Sailor Productions, who showed up to promote his web series, The Last Stand.
The series deals with the survivors of an airborne virus that killed millions. The virus mutated, reactivating the dead and turning them into rabid zombies. The disease, now spread through the zombie's bodily fluids, is poised to infect the rest of the population unless the survivors can find a safe place to bunker down.
This web series is filmed here in Portland, though Vavra mentioned that not many residents know about the show. So I'm spreading the word. The first two episodes (available on Daily Motion through July 19th) are well shot, nicely written and are a bleak, uncompromising depiction of humanity after the fall. I wish I knew more about the fate of the survivors that didn't make it to episode two. But those events seems likely to come back and haunt the current cast later in the series.
Much more ambitious than a zombie shoot 'em up series, I recommend checking out The Last Stand. I think Portland zombie fans will find a lot to like about this home grown effort. The episodes revert back to TheLastStandOnline.com after July 19th, and more episodes are on the way. The website also has lots of information about the series, so be sure to visit. I'll post any new developments as they become available.
Back to the games. I tried out another local product, the RPG Cannibal Contagion. At the start of the game, players are given randomly generated characters, each with randomly generated abilities and psycho-triggers. The game master then sets up a scenario where the characters are about to die, and it's your job to prevent such an outcome.
Battle is handled by playing your hand of cards (a standard deck of cards with Jokers included) against the game master's hand. You will either take damage, which affects your various abilities, or your sanity will be decreased. If that happens, you have to follow the actions dictated by the player controlling your psycho trigger.
Did I mention that players fill out forms guessing who will be the first to die, to go insane, to turn and so on? If you're right, you gain more power tokens. So sometimes, screwing with the other person might be to your advantage.
The game seems like it would be a lot of fun, but the rules are too complicated to comprehend in your first go round. And, with only about an hour to play, I was frustrated by my lack of understanding the rules and the potential consequences of my actions. However, with the right group of people and a chance to read through the book, this game could be a real blast. For more details, visit the official website.
As most of the other games had started as our game ended, I pulled out my edition of Zombies!!! and started up a game with a few other players. This is a 2 - 6 player game, where everyone starts at the town square. Each player draws a tile at the start of their turn, generating a map of the town. It makes the game unpredictable, as you have no idea what's around the next corner until someone places the tile on the table.
Of course, each tile is occupied by the living dead (the number of zombies dictated by the tile). Combat is very easy, accomplished by rolling a six sided die. If you roll 4-6, you kill the zombie. Roll a 1-3 and the zombie takes a bite, unless you have enough bullets to increase your score (for example, a roll of 2 plus two bullets makes a 4). Be careful, though, as bullets are in short supply.
You have two ways to win the game. Either be the first player to kill 25 zombies or be the first person to make it to the center of the helipad (the last tile drawn). If you die, you're not out of the game. But you must start over in the town square and forfeit half the zombies you've bagged.
Players also have three cards, which will either help them or hinder the other guy. Yes, this game takes the idea of tripping your best friend to escape the zombie horde to heart. You can move a certain amount of zombies at the end of your turn, adding to the other player's woes, or use a card to give the person in the lead a real headache.
This is an easy game to learn, and a lot of fun to play. Several expansion packs are available, including a circus scenario with zombie clowns! Check out the official website for more details.
Finally, I played a round of Last Night on Earth, a zombie board game. The board is designed so several pieces are chosen at random, as are the characters. The game offers several scenarios which you can play, from killing a certain amount of zombies to saving town folk. If you fail in your mission, or do not complete it in a given time, the zombies win.
One to two players control the zombies (depending on the amount of heroes playing).Heroes get to draw from a deck of cards (gained by searching various buildings), in order to gain some advantage in their battle. Unfortunately, the zombies also have a deck to play against the humans.
Unlike Zombies!!!, this is a game where cooperation is the only way to survive. Players can aid each other, and trade cards that might be better used by certain characters, but only when they are close together. As any good zombie fan knows, only when humans start fighting amongst themselves are the zombies able to gain the upper hand. Stay together, work as a team and you might be able to survive the last night on earth. You can get more information on this game here.
As our game ended, so did the 2010 May of the Dead. I'm hoping that, like the undead, 2011 brings about the resurrection of this zombie game festival.
All the games mentioned on this, and the previous post, are available at Guardian Games. Visit them on the web, or swing by their store at 313 SE 3rd Ave in Portland. And be sure to mention you read about them on The Shadow Over Portland!
The series deals with the survivors of an airborne virus that killed millions. The virus mutated, reactivating the dead and turning them into rabid zombies. The disease, now spread through the zombie's bodily fluids, is poised to infect the rest of the population unless the survivors can find a safe place to bunker down.
This web series is filmed here in Portland, though Vavra mentioned that not many residents know about the show. So I'm spreading the word. The first two episodes (available on Daily Motion through July 19th) are well shot, nicely written and are a bleak, uncompromising depiction of humanity after the fall. I wish I knew more about the fate of the survivors that didn't make it to episode two. But those events seems likely to come back and haunt the current cast later in the series.
Much more ambitious than a zombie shoot 'em up series, I recommend checking out The Last Stand. I think Portland zombie fans will find a lot to like about this home grown effort. The episodes revert back to TheLastStandOnline.com after July 19th, and more episodes are on the way. The website also has lots of information about the series, so be sure to visit. I'll post any new developments as they become available.
Back to the games. I tried out another local product, the RPG Cannibal Contagion. At the start of the game, players are given randomly generated characters, each with randomly generated abilities and psycho-triggers. The game master then sets up a scenario where the characters are about to die, and it's your job to prevent such an outcome.
Battle is handled by playing your hand of cards (a standard deck of cards with Jokers included) against the game master's hand. You will either take damage, which affects your various abilities, or your sanity will be decreased. If that happens, you have to follow the actions dictated by the player controlling your psycho trigger.
Did I mention that players fill out forms guessing who will be the first to die, to go insane, to turn and so on? If you're right, you gain more power tokens. So sometimes, screwing with the other person might be to your advantage.
The game seems like it would be a lot of fun, but the rules are too complicated to comprehend in your first go round. And, with only about an hour to play, I was frustrated by my lack of understanding the rules and the potential consequences of my actions. However, with the right group of people and a chance to read through the book, this game could be a real blast. For more details, visit the official website.
As most of the other games had started as our game ended, I pulled out my edition of Zombies!!! and started up a game with a few other players. This is a 2 - 6 player game, where everyone starts at the town square. Each player draws a tile at the start of their turn, generating a map of the town. It makes the game unpredictable, as you have no idea what's around the next corner until someone places the tile on the table.
Of course, each tile is occupied by the living dead (the number of zombies dictated by the tile). Combat is very easy, accomplished by rolling a six sided die. If you roll 4-6, you kill the zombie. Roll a 1-3 and the zombie takes a bite, unless you have enough bullets to increase your score (for example, a roll of 2 plus two bullets makes a 4). Be careful, though, as bullets are in short supply.
You have two ways to win the game. Either be the first player to kill 25 zombies or be the first person to make it to the center of the helipad (the last tile drawn). If you die, you're not out of the game. But you must start over in the town square and forfeit half the zombies you've bagged.
Players also have three cards, which will either help them or hinder the other guy. Yes, this game takes the idea of tripping your best friend to escape the zombie horde to heart. You can move a certain amount of zombies at the end of your turn, adding to the other player's woes, or use a card to give the person in the lead a real headache.
This is an easy game to learn, and a lot of fun to play. Several expansion packs are available, including a circus scenario with zombie clowns! Check out the official website for more details.
Finally, I played a round of Last Night on Earth, a zombie board game. The board is designed so several pieces are chosen at random, as are the characters. The game offers several scenarios which you can play, from killing a certain amount of zombies to saving town folk. If you fail in your mission, or do not complete it in a given time, the zombies win.
One to two players control the zombies (depending on the amount of heroes playing).Heroes get to draw from a deck of cards (gained by searching various buildings), in order to gain some advantage in their battle. Unfortunately, the zombies also have a deck to play against the humans.
Unlike Zombies!!!, this is a game where cooperation is the only way to survive. Players can aid each other, and trade cards that might be better used by certain characters, but only when they are close together. As any good zombie fan knows, only when humans start fighting amongst themselves are the zombies able to gain the upper hand. Stay together, work as a team and you might be able to survive the last night on earth. You can get more information on this game here.
As our game ended, so did the 2010 May of the Dead. I'm hoping that, like the undead, 2011 brings about the resurrection of this zombie game festival.
All the games mentioned on this, and the previous post, are available at Guardian Games. Visit them on the web, or swing by their store at 313 SE 3rd Ave in Portland. And be sure to mention you read about them on The Shadow Over Portland!
Thursday, June 3, 2010
I Gamed with A Zombie! Part One
Well, I'm sure a lot of people spent their Memorial Day over a BBQ, out camping or any of the other normal activities our society thrives upon. But for some brave individuals, the perfect way to cap off the holiday weekend was to sit in the dark and try out games of skill and daring with members of the Living Dead.
Yep, I spent most of Memorial Day at Guardian Game's second May of the Dead celebration and I had a blast. Games, gory movies on the big screen and a lot of cool looking zombies shambling in, all looking to try out new zombie games or play some old favorites.
To get into the spirit, I started off with It's Alive, though it's not really a zombie game. You play a mad scientist trying to bring his creation to life before the opposing players complete the task. For this, you need body parts, represented in the game's deck of cards.
You draw a card at the start of your turn, then decided if you will buy the body part (if you have the money) or put it in your graveyard, earning half it's value (rounded down) in cash to further your quest. But if you feel you can get a bit more money out of it, you can try to auction the part off to other players.
Of course, the quality of these body parts (there are eight pieces you must collect) must vary, for while you have 6 opportunities to draw a hand from the deck, it will cost you anywhere from 2 to 8 coins. You could go broke fast, if you aren't careful.
Of course, you can buy another doctor's discarded part, but it has to be on the top of his graveyard pile and you must pay the full price for it (the money goes to the bank, not the doctor who's graveyard you're raiding).
Or, you can let the villagers get it for you.
If you draw the Villager card, you have to pay their price to keep them from storming your castle. It can be either in coin, in body parts from your lab (rather costly, as your lab can only store one of each body part at a time; the rest go to the graveyard) or a combination of the two. However, once you pay them off, you can use the card to raid another doctor's graveyard for free on your next turn.
Finally, a few expensive wild card are scattered in the deck. You want at least one, as these cards act as any body part you want.
If you are the first doctor to collect all eight parts, you can claim your victory by calling out "It's alive!" in your best Colin Clive voice.
The game is a lot of fun. However, the auction part, as written in the rules, has the doctor selling the part open up the bidding, then players bid on it in a clockwise fashion. Bidding stops after one rotation around the table. We found that rather dull, and decided to allow open bidding, making the game a lot more fun.
Minor quibble aside, this Yehuda Berlinger game is a blast. You not only get some beautifully illustrated body part cards, but also an illustrated slab and a castle wall to hide your monster from prying eyes (and keep the opposing player from knowing what you need to win!). It's quick and easy to learn and, as most games won't last more than 30 minutes, it would make a great party game. Recommended for 2 - 5 players, but every one at the table agreed that a 2 player game be rather dull. Get five mad scientist together and you should have a great time.
Next, I tried the new game from Steve Jackson, Zombie Dice. Basically, you're a hungry zombie looking to score some tasty brains. You take three dice (each representing a potential victim) out of the tube and roll them. Each die has a varying number of brains, footsteps and shotgun blasts printed the sides. You get to keep all brains you roll, as you've just claimed another victim. Any dice that roll footsteps indicate a victim that got away. But no worry, you get to roll those dice again.
Of course, shotgun blasts are very bad. You put those aside, and if you get three before you decide to stop rolling, you lose all the brains you've collected that turn and must pass the dice to the next zombie.
As the goal is to collect 13 brains, you have to plan on being stymied by those pesky shotgun blasts a few times in your quest for dinner. But if you've collected five brains in your turn, and only have one shotgun blast, do you roll three more dice and try for more, or do you keep what you've got and call it good?
To help you decide, the dice are the color coded. Green dice have more brains then shotgun blasts, Yellow dice are even, but Red dice means your victims have a better chance of blasting you in the head.
Again, this game is easy to learn and a lot of fun. I only have one minor quibble with it. The game doesn't include any tokens allowing the players to keep track of the brains they've collected. I suggest supplying your own (you can find various items that will work at most game stores) and keep them with the dice. I think it would be easier than handing out paper every time you play.
One final note. Zombie Dice would make a travel game, as you only need a small, flat space to roll the dice. And two players will have just as much fun with this as a large group. Saying "Yum, Braaaains" after collecting your unlucky thirteen victim is up to you.
Well, all this talk of brains reminds me that it's dinner time. I'll post my further adventures in May of the Dead later this week, with a brief review of Cannibal Contagion, Zombies!!! and Last Night on Earth. Also, I'll tell you all a bit about a zombie web series filmed right here in Portland!
More to come soon....
Yep, I spent most of Memorial Day at Guardian Game's second May of the Dead celebration and I had a blast. Games, gory movies on the big screen and a lot of cool looking zombies shambling in, all looking to try out new zombie games or play some old favorites.
To get into the spirit, I started off with It's Alive, though it's not really a zombie game. You play a mad scientist trying to bring his creation to life before the opposing players complete the task. For this, you need body parts, represented in the game's deck of cards.
You draw a card at the start of your turn, then decided if you will buy the body part (if you have the money) or put it in your graveyard, earning half it's value (rounded down) in cash to further your quest. But if you feel you can get a bit more money out of it, you can try to auction the part off to other players.
Of course, the quality of these body parts (there are eight pieces you must collect) must vary, for while you have 6 opportunities to draw a hand from the deck, it will cost you anywhere from 2 to 8 coins. You could go broke fast, if you aren't careful.
Of course, you can buy another doctor's discarded part, but it has to be on the top of his graveyard pile and you must pay the full price for it (the money goes to the bank, not the doctor who's graveyard you're raiding).
Or, you can let the villagers get it for you.
If you draw the Villager card, you have to pay their price to keep them from storming your castle. It can be either in coin, in body parts from your lab (rather costly, as your lab can only store one of each body part at a time; the rest go to the graveyard) or a combination of the two. However, once you pay them off, you can use the card to raid another doctor's graveyard for free on your next turn.
Finally, a few expensive wild card are scattered in the deck. You want at least one, as these cards act as any body part you want.
If you are the first doctor to collect all eight parts, you can claim your victory by calling out "It's alive!" in your best Colin Clive voice.
The game is a lot of fun. However, the auction part, as written in the rules, has the doctor selling the part open up the bidding, then players bid on it in a clockwise fashion. Bidding stops after one rotation around the table. We found that rather dull, and decided to allow open bidding, making the game a lot more fun.
Minor quibble aside, this Yehuda Berlinger game is a blast. You not only get some beautifully illustrated body part cards, but also an illustrated slab and a castle wall to hide your monster from prying eyes (and keep the opposing player from knowing what you need to win!). It's quick and easy to learn and, as most games won't last more than 30 minutes, it would make a great party game. Recommended for 2 - 5 players, but every one at the table agreed that a 2 player game be rather dull. Get five mad scientist together and you should have a great time.
Next, I tried the new game from Steve Jackson, Zombie Dice. Basically, you're a hungry zombie looking to score some tasty brains. You take three dice (each representing a potential victim) out of the tube and roll them. Each die has a varying number of brains, footsteps and shotgun blasts printed the sides. You get to keep all brains you roll, as you've just claimed another victim. Any dice that roll footsteps indicate a victim that got away. But no worry, you get to roll those dice again.
Of course, shotgun blasts are very bad. You put those aside, and if you get three before you decide to stop rolling, you lose all the brains you've collected that turn and must pass the dice to the next zombie.
As the goal is to collect 13 brains, you have to plan on being stymied by those pesky shotgun blasts a few times in your quest for dinner. But if you've collected five brains in your turn, and only have one shotgun blast, do you roll three more dice and try for more, or do you keep what you've got and call it good?
To help you decide, the dice are the color coded. Green dice have more brains then shotgun blasts, Yellow dice are even, but Red dice means your victims have a better chance of blasting you in the head.
Again, this game is easy to learn and a lot of fun. I only have one minor quibble with it. The game doesn't include any tokens allowing the players to keep track of the brains they've collected. I suggest supplying your own (you can find various items that will work at most game stores) and keep them with the dice. I think it would be easier than handing out paper every time you play.
One final note. Zombie Dice would make a travel game, as you only need a small, flat space to roll the dice. And two players will have just as much fun with this as a large group. Saying "Yum, Braaaains" after collecting your unlucky thirteen victim is up to you.
Well, all this talk of brains reminds me that it's dinner time. I'll post my further adventures in May of the Dead later this week, with a brief review of Cannibal Contagion, Zombies!!! and Last Night on Earth. Also, I'll tell you all a bit about a zombie web series filmed right here in Portland!
More to come soon....
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Legion (2009)
Legion tries to be an exciting horror/action flick. The idea of an angel fighting to prevent the end of humanity is pretty cool, especially as he has to take on God's army (no spoiler here, it's in the trailer). But, like Icarus, the film can not keep itself aloft, as a gigantic plot hole act like the sun and brings the movie crashing to the ground.
(Okay, Icarus fell into the sea, but give this metaphor to me, will ya?)
Anyway, the movie starts with Kyle Reese...... Uh, I mean the Archangel Michael hitting the ground in an LA alleyway. We know he's an angel, as he immediately cuts off his wings, which disengages a collar around his neck. I don't know if this is a tracking collar, or if God has an invisible fence around Heaven to keep his angels from running out of the yard. It's never explained what the collar is or why Michael has to cut off his wings. Or even where the wings go once he cuts them off, though I suspect some homeless people had a couple of big buffalo wings that evening.
Oh, I'm a sick man....
Anyway, John Matrix.... Oh, sorry Michael then breaks into a warehouse and finds a bunch of high power guns, only to be caught by the police as he leaves. But instead of Rea Dawn Chong coming to his rescue, one of the cops starts shaking like someone possessed by Agent Smith. Only this time, the person grows small, pointy teeth, their eyes go black and they speak in a hollow tone. And they know Michael, who promptly kills the mutated cop, loads up the police car, then heads out of LA as the city starts to go black.
You know a movie is in trouble when you spend the first 10 minutes recognizing scenes lifted from other movies. And don't get me started on the opening voice over.
Anyway, we now meet the stock humans who will be in the film. They're all straight out of the cliche character handbook; the young expectant mother who is giving the baby up for adoption, the boy who loves her but she doesn't really care for him, the concerned father who wants his son to leave their small town diner for a better life, the arguing yuppie-like couple and their rebellious daughter....
You get the idea, I'm sure. Fortunately, the cast is pretty strong, lead by Dennis Quaid and Charles S. Dutton. The cliches aren't too terrible (yet) and I found myself interested in the character's plight as the apocalypse comes at them in the form of a possessed old lady and a giant, cloud like swarm of flies.
Then Michael shows up, and the movie falls flat once again. It's not just the endless rip off scenes (the pregnant waitress is carrying humanity's savior, the siege looks like any zombie movie out there), or the script that can't find a cliche it doesn't have to add to the mix. No, what dooms this film is it's basic premise, which has God losing His faith in humanity and deciding to wipe us out with an army people possessed by angels.
This turns out to be a pretty stupid plan, as the possessed people can be killed. Sure, it takes more bullets than an average person. But if you were God, why would you put your army into a bunch of fragile meat bags? A more sound idea is just to send the angels to Earth on a search and destroy mission. Or cause a plague that only kills humans. Or start up the zombie apocalypse. Anything would be smarter than possessed-by-an-angel maniacs that are only able to kill people with their hands and teeth.
Once you figure out how stupid the setup is, no amount of furious action can save this film. You just sit there, wondering how the film makers could think we wouldn't figure out that God's plan for our extinction seems to have been thought up by a five year old.
The final blow is another ridiculous no-way-they-would-walk-away-from-that-car-wreck moment (I think I should copyright that, as it keeps turning up in movies all the time), followed by the survivors running up a mountain to escape the murderous angel that God should have sent down in the first place. Any good will or suspension of disbelief left in the viewer is gone and the movie limps to a warm and fuzzy ending.
You know, I've changed my mind about the metaphor I picked for this movie. Icarus is just not right, as this film never gets off the ground. Maybe a penguin, although this movie sinks while penguins can swim. Or an ostrich, except they are good runners and this movie can't go the distance.
I know. Legion is like a domesticated turkey, which can't fly and is destined to be carved up by its audience.
Yep, I think that sums up my feelings towards this movie pretty well.
(Okay, Icarus fell into the sea, but give this metaphor to me, will ya?)
Anyway, the movie starts with Kyle Reese...... Uh, I mean the Archangel Michael hitting the ground in an LA alleyway. We know he's an angel, as he immediately cuts off his wings, which disengages a collar around his neck. I don't know if this is a tracking collar, or if God has an invisible fence around Heaven to keep his angels from running out of the yard. It's never explained what the collar is or why Michael has to cut off his wings. Or even where the wings go once he cuts them off, though I suspect some homeless people had a couple of big buffalo wings that evening.
Oh, I'm a sick man....
Anyway, John Matrix.... Oh, sorry Michael then breaks into a warehouse and finds a bunch of high power guns, only to be caught by the police as he leaves. But instead of Rea Dawn Chong coming to his rescue, one of the cops starts shaking like someone possessed by Agent Smith. Only this time, the person grows small, pointy teeth, their eyes go black and they speak in a hollow tone. And they know Michael, who promptly kills the mutated cop, loads up the police car, then heads out of LA as the city starts to go black.
You know a movie is in trouble when you spend the first 10 minutes recognizing scenes lifted from other movies. And don't get me started on the opening voice over.
Anyway, we now meet the stock humans who will be in the film. They're all straight out of the cliche character handbook; the young expectant mother who is giving the baby up for adoption, the boy who loves her but she doesn't really care for him, the concerned father who wants his son to leave their small town diner for a better life, the arguing yuppie-like couple and their rebellious daughter....
You get the idea, I'm sure. Fortunately, the cast is pretty strong, lead by Dennis Quaid and Charles S. Dutton. The cliches aren't too terrible (yet) and I found myself interested in the character's plight as the apocalypse comes at them in the form of a possessed old lady and a giant, cloud like swarm of flies.
Then Michael shows up, and the movie falls flat once again. It's not just the endless rip off scenes (the pregnant waitress is carrying humanity's savior, the siege looks like any zombie movie out there), or the script that can't find a cliche it doesn't have to add to the mix. No, what dooms this film is it's basic premise, which has God losing His faith in humanity and deciding to wipe us out with an army people possessed by angels.
This turns out to be a pretty stupid plan, as the possessed people can be killed. Sure, it takes more bullets than an average person. But if you were God, why would you put your army into a bunch of fragile meat bags? A more sound idea is just to send the angels to Earth on a search and destroy mission. Or cause a plague that only kills humans. Or start up the zombie apocalypse. Anything would be smarter than possessed-by-an-angel maniacs that are only able to kill people with their hands and teeth.
Once you figure out how stupid the setup is, no amount of furious action can save this film. You just sit there, wondering how the film makers could think we wouldn't figure out that God's plan for our extinction seems to have been thought up by a five year old.
The final blow is another ridiculous no-way-they-would-walk-away-from-that-car-wreck moment (I think I should copyright that, as it keeps turning up in movies all the time), followed by the survivors running up a mountain to escape the murderous angel that God should have sent down in the first place. Any good will or suspension of disbelief left in the viewer is gone and the movie limps to a warm and fuzzy ending.
You know, I've changed my mind about the metaphor I picked for this movie. Icarus is just not right, as this film never gets off the ground. Maybe a penguin, although this movie sinks while penguins can swim. Or an ostrich, except they are good runners and this movie can't go the distance.
I know. Legion is like a domesticated turkey, which can't fly and is destined to be carved up by its audience.
Yep, I think that sums up my feelings towards this movie pretty well.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
The Human Centipede (2009)
It's been almost 24 hours since I found my seat at Cinema 21 to take in Tom Six's The Human Centipede:The First Segment. And, truth be told, I this was a tough review to write. If you take away the plot's McGuffiin, all that's left is a very standard horror film that we've all seen many times before. Yet, some beautiful camera work by Six and a terrific performance transcends the simplistic script and makes this a riveting film.
The plot, for the few of you who haven't heard about this movie, might be a bit of a spoiler. But knowing what's coming isn't an impediment to this movie. In fact, it's what gets you into the theater.
The film starts out with a creepy Dr. Heiter (Dieter Laser) kidnapping a trucker. Next, we meet Lindsey and Jenny (Ashley C. Williams and Ashlynn Yennie), two American tourists in Germany looking for a place to party. Instead, they get very lost and stumble into the isolate home of, you guessed it, Dr. Heiter. They are drugged and wake up strapped to hospital beds, with the truck driver briefly beside them.
The trucker is replaced with Katsuro (Akihiro Kitamura), a Japanese tourist, who is a tissue match with the girls. At this point, Dr. Heiter explains that he is a world renowned surgeon, who specialized in the separation of conjoined twins. But now, he wants to create a masterpiece, linking the three "patients" via the gastrointestinal tract into one being, the human centipede.
Yep, Heiter is planning to connect the three from anus to mouth. You read that right. And he does. By the midpoint of the movie, the three victims are seen on screen only as the human centipede, with Katsuro screaming at the doctor in subtitled Japanese and the girls only able to grunt. And yep, the film goes there, as Heiter stands above Katsuro screaming "Feed her! Feed her!!!"
(Hey, it's in the trailer, so I feel free to mention it here. If the film makers spoil their own movie, it's open game in my books.)
Of course, a couple of complications arise, involving an infection and the arrival of two policemen looking for the girls. This allows the three victims make a desperate attempt to escape during the confusion. But they can't outrun Heiter on their hands and knees.
To director Tom Six's credit, the subject matter is not presented in a graphic fashion. Six relies on suggestion and his actors to express the horrors they are subjected to, making their plight more horrific than if conveyed through a couple of gross out moment. The horror is not played out as torture porn, but more like the insanity of the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre, with a tone just as bleak.
Adding to the film's effectiveness is Six's decision to play the movie straight, without any trace of humor or parody. He allows the girls to be the most annoying Americans possible, without spilling over into parody, then wrenches your sympathy for their plight from you with a few simple physical gestures from them. And the last scene of the film is one of the most haunting I've seen in a long time. With it, Six sends the audience out of the theater with no reprieve, no happy thoughts or silly jump scares to let them off the hook. It's a bleak film up to the last second.
Casting Laser as Heiter was film maker's biggest coup. Laser's pronounced facial features, his skin etched with a multitude of wrinkles, makes him oddly fascinated to watch. And his over the top performance doesn't sink into campiness, but comes off as an arrogance befitting the character. He tells his victims of his plans, detailing the surgery for them, not to torture them, but to share with them his "genius." After the surgery, he's as gleeful as a child with a new toy that gradually grows tiresome. He's just perfect in the role.
Heiter's house is used like a character, or more likely, an extension of it's owner. Cold and antiseptic in atmosphere, the winding halls leading nowhere, bizarre angles and the artwork hinting at Heiter's surgical specialty make it a sterile madhouse, reflecting the mindset of the occupant. Rarely has such a clean, well lit set come across so dark.
For their limited roles, the three victims play their part well. The police intervention is believably unheroic, just a couple of cops who stumble into a situation beyond their imagination. Although one interaction between Heiter and the police is glaringly false, the conclusion is well timed and rather surprising.
Six has said a second film is on the way. Given the ending, I'm not sure where he'll take the series, but I'm interested in following his mad little journey. I guess that's the best recommendation I can give this movie. I might not want to see The First Segment again, but I can't wait to see what nightmares Six conjures up in the second part.
The plot, for the few of you who haven't heard about this movie, might be a bit of a spoiler. But knowing what's coming isn't an impediment to this movie. In fact, it's what gets you into the theater.
The film starts out with a creepy Dr. Heiter (Dieter Laser) kidnapping a trucker. Next, we meet Lindsey and Jenny (Ashley C. Williams and Ashlynn Yennie), two American tourists in Germany looking for a place to party. Instead, they get very lost and stumble into the isolate home of, you guessed it, Dr. Heiter. They are drugged and wake up strapped to hospital beds, with the truck driver briefly beside them.
The trucker is replaced with Katsuro (Akihiro Kitamura), a Japanese tourist, who is a tissue match with the girls. At this point, Dr. Heiter explains that he is a world renowned surgeon, who specialized in the separation of conjoined twins. But now, he wants to create a masterpiece, linking the three "patients" via the gastrointestinal tract into one being, the human centipede.
Yep, Heiter is planning to connect the three from anus to mouth. You read that right. And he does. By the midpoint of the movie, the three victims are seen on screen only as the human centipede, with Katsuro screaming at the doctor in subtitled Japanese and the girls only able to grunt. And yep, the film goes there, as Heiter stands above Katsuro screaming "Feed her! Feed her!!!"
(Hey, it's in the trailer, so I feel free to mention it here. If the film makers spoil their own movie, it's open game in my books.)
Of course, a couple of complications arise, involving an infection and the arrival of two policemen looking for the girls. This allows the three victims make a desperate attempt to escape during the confusion. But they can't outrun Heiter on their hands and knees.
To director Tom Six's credit, the subject matter is not presented in a graphic fashion. Six relies on suggestion and his actors to express the horrors they are subjected to, making their plight more horrific than if conveyed through a couple of gross out moment. The horror is not played out as torture porn, but more like the insanity of the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre, with a tone just as bleak.
Adding to the film's effectiveness is Six's decision to play the movie straight, without any trace of humor or parody. He allows the girls to be the most annoying Americans possible, without spilling over into parody, then wrenches your sympathy for their plight from you with a few simple physical gestures from them. And the last scene of the film is one of the most haunting I've seen in a long time. With it, Six sends the audience out of the theater with no reprieve, no happy thoughts or silly jump scares to let them off the hook. It's a bleak film up to the last second.
Casting Laser as Heiter was film maker's biggest coup. Laser's pronounced facial features, his skin etched with a multitude of wrinkles, makes him oddly fascinated to watch. And his over the top performance doesn't sink into campiness, but comes off as an arrogance befitting the character. He tells his victims of his plans, detailing the surgery for them, not to torture them, but to share with them his "genius." After the surgery, he's as gleeful as a child with a new toy that gradually grows tiresome. He's just perfect in the role.
Heiter's house is used like a character, or more likely, an extension of it's owner. Cold and antiseptic in atmosphere, the winding halls leading nowhere, bizarre angles and the artwork hinting at Heiter's surgical specialty make it a sterile madhouse, reflecting the mindset of the occupant. Rarely has such a clean, well lit set come across so dark.
For their limited roles, the three victims play their part well. The police intervention is believably unheroic, just a couple of cops who stumble into a situation beyond their imagination. Although one interaction between Heiter and the police is glaringly false, the conclusion is well timed and rather surprising.
Six has said a second film is on the way. Given the ending, I'm not sure where he'll take the series, but I'm interested in following his mad little journey. I guess that's the best recommendation I can give this movie. I might not want to see The First Segment again, but I can't wait to see what nightmares Six conjures up in the second part.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
The Descent Part 2 (2009)
You would think, after witnessing the abominable Nightmare on Elm Street remake, I would steer clear of cinematic trash. Yet, some force I couldn't resist placed me in front of a local Redbox last night, renting Descent 2.
What god have I offended that would allow me to watch two botched movie follow ups in one weekend?
Descent 2 is the sequel to Neil Marshall's brilliant horror film about 5 women adventurers exploring a cave that is home to the crawlers, who look like a mutant cross between bats and humans. These beings are blind, but are able to hunt due to their keen sense of hearing, and slowly pick off the party one by one.
I won't go into the details of the first film. If you haven't seen it, go buy a copy. It's one of the best horror films of the past decade and deserves to be in every horror fan's collection. This sequel, however, falls far short of the mark.
You should know, the first film was released with two endings. The original (foreign cut) is a chilling conclusion, while the version released in the States ends about three minutes early, with a standard jump scare. I'm sure the studio wanted to leave things open for a sequel. Watch the unrated version with the original ending and you'll understand what I'm saying.
To be fair, the film makers try to appease fans of both endings in the beginning of the remake. Sarah, the survivor of the first film, is found wondering along a road in the middle of the forest. She has no memory of the events in the cave, and is asking about her dead daughter (a nod to the original ending).
A search party has been looking for the women for a few days. Juno, the organizer of the original expedition, is related to a politician and this has sparked media interest in the disappearance. While Sarah is in the hospital, the local sheriff arranges for her release, in order to help with the search.
A tracking dog has followed her scent from the road to a long abandoned mine. Using this as a starting point, a rescue party heads down into the shaft, to explore a series of caves discovered by the miners.
Now, I normally like to dispense with a plot description before criticizing a film, but I was ready to scream at the television at this point. You see, the elevator down into the mines was inoperable and at the upper levels. The walls looked unclimbable and the passage way into the caves was still boarded up. No one had came out that way, unless Sarah had broken down the barricade, rebuilt it, then climbed a shaft that would pose a problem to a very experienced climber, and squeezed past the elevator blocking the exit. She might be many things, but even Houdini would find this impossible.
Regardless, the party continues. Within the caves, they find the remains of one of the original party. Sarah has a flashback of the events in the caves, attacks the sheriff and runs off. Eventually, the crawlers find the group, they split up and panic ensues.
Sounds like a great idea, right? But the execution is fumbled right from the start. The original film was able to generate a sense of claustrophobia with sparse lighting and great set designs. In this movie, the cave seems as open and well lit as a Disneyland ride. You can see everything, even with the meager light sources the party brought along. Any crawler moving in the background is so plainly visible that you wonder how the party could miss it. And this lack of tension renders all the jump scares impotent. I jumped at the introduction of the crawlers in the first film. In this one, I could only mutter, "Oh yea, didn't see THAT one coming."
Also, director Jon Harris seems to have a fetish for bodily fluids pouring into people's mouth. So many of the gore shots involve corpses or bleeding bodies emptying blood into screaming mouths, It doesn't take ling before you get sick of it, rather than sickened by the scene.
Okay, I'm getting into SPOILER territory here. If you plan on seeing this movie, against all my warnings, scroll down to the END SPOILER sentence.
The final nail in the coffin was the reappearance of Juno. Left for dead in the first film, she shows up late in the sequel to help lead the survivors out of the cave, after a quick fight with Sarah. This development is a major plot hole the film doesn't even try to fix.
Juno says she's found a way out, and offers to lead every to the opening. When asked why she didn't get out while she could, she says her flashlight died out. So, just think about it for a second. Juno found an opening, but didn't wait nearby to take advantage of it. Instead, she went back into the caves, where her flashlight burned out, rendering her blind. So, she's been surviving in a dark series of caves, fighting off/avoiding creatures adapted to such an environment. Yes, she's one tough lady, but how could she survive when she couldn't see the crawlers coming after her? Oh, wait. The caves are lit up like an amusement ride, she could see everything. I call bull.
END SPOILER
By the time the nonsensical ending arrived, I was done with this film. It's no wonder the studio dumped it directly onto DVD. An audience would have laughed it out of the theaters.
Then again, a lot of people flocked to Nightmare over the weekend.
What god have I offended that would allow me to watch two botched movie follow ups in one weekend?
Descent 2 is the sequel to Neil Marshall's brilliant horror film about 5 women adventurers exploring a cave that is home to the crawlers, who look like a mutant cross between bats and humans. These beings are blind, but are able to hunt due to their keen sense of hearing, and slowly pick off the party one by one.
I won't go into the details of the first film. If you haven't seen it, go buy a copy. It's one of the best horror films of the past decade and deserves to be in every horror fan's collection. This sequel, however, falls far short of the mark.
You should know, the first film was released with two endings. The original (foreign cut) is a chilling conclusion, while the version released in the States ends about three minutes early, with a standard jump scare. I'm sure the studio wanted to leave things open for a sequel. Watch the unrated version with the original ending and you'll understand what I'm saying.
To be fair, the film makers try to appease fans of both endings in the beginning of the remake. Sarah, the survivor of the first film, is found wondering along a road in the middle of the forest. She has no memory of the events in the cave, and is asking about her dead daughter (a nod to the original ending).
A search party has been looking for the women for a few days. Juno, the organizer of the original expedition, is related to a politician and this has sparked media interest in the disappearance. While Sarah is in the hospital, the local sheriff arranges for her release, in order to help with the search.
A tracking dog has followed her scent from the road to a long abandoned mine. Using this as a starting point, a rescue party heads down into the shaft, to explore a series of caves discovered by the miners.
Now, I normally like to dispense with a plot description before criticizing a film, but I was ready to scream at the television at this point. You see, the elevator down into the mines was inoperable and at the upper levels. The walls looked unclimbable and the passage way into the caves was still boarded up. No one had came out that way, unless Sarah had broken down the barricade, rebuilt it, then climbed a shaft that would pose a problem to a very experienced climber, and squeezed past the elevator blocking the exit. She might be many things, but even Houdini would find this impossible.
Regardless, the party continues. Within the caves, they find the remains of one of the original party. Sarah has a flashback of the events in the caves, attacks the sheriff and runs off. Eventually, the crawlers find the group, they split up and panic ensues.
Sounds like a great idea, right? But the execution is fumbled right from the start. The original film was able to generate a sense of claustrophobia with sparse lighting and great set designs. In this movie, the cave seems as open and well lit as a Disneyland ride. You can see everything, even with the meager light sources the party brought along. Any crawler moving in the background is so plainly visible that you wonder how the party could miss it. And this lack of tension renders all the jump scares impotent. I jumped at the introduction of the crawlers in the first film. In this one, I could only mutter, "Oh yea, didn't see THAT one coming."
Also, director Jon Harris seems to have a fetish for bodily fluids pouring into people's mouth. So many of the gore shots involve corpses or bleeding bodies emptying blood into screaming mouths, It doesn't take ling before you get sick of it, rather than sickened by the scene.
Okay, I'm getting into SPOILER territory here. If you plan on seeing this movie, against all my warnings, scroll down to the END SPOILER sentence.
The final nail in the coffin was the reappearance of Juno. Left for dead in the first film, she shows up late in the sequel to help lead the survivors out of the cave, after a quick fight with Sarah. This development is a major plot hole the film doesn't even try to fix.
Juno says she's found a way out, and offers to lead every to the opening. When asked why she didn't get out while she could, she says her flashlight died out. So, just think about it for a second. Juno found an opening, but didn't wait nearby to take advantage of it. Instead, she went back into the caves, where her flashlight burned out, rendering her blind. So, she's been surviving in a dark series of caves, fighting off/avoiding creatures adapted to such an environment. Yes, she's one tough lady, but how could she survive when she couldn't see the crawlers coming after her? Oh, wait. The caves are lit up like an amusement ride, she could see everything. I call bull.
END SPOILER
By the time the nonsensical ending arrived, I was done with this film. It's no wonder the studio dumped it directly onto DVD. An audience would have laughed it out of the theaters.
Then again, a lot of people flocked to Nightmare over the weekend.
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