Mega Python vs. Gatoroid (2011)

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Okay, let’s get one thing clear. Mega Python vs. Gatoroid is a bad movie. The film contains glaring continuity errors, the acting gets pretty wooden at times, the script is just as lazy as you’d expect and the CGI is pretty bad (though not as bad as Lake Placid 3). In short, it’s everything you’d expect from The Asylum, but that’s not to say the film isn’t a lot of fun. While it doesn’t reach the inspired heights of unintentional lunacy in Mega Piranha, director Mary Lambert keeps things moving with very little drag time and refuses to take things too seriously.

The movie opens with Dr. Nikki Riley (Debbie Gibson), an environment activist, breaking into a building to steal a bunch of exotic pythons. With her are Gia and Ben, who are either grad students or fellow activists in training (we all know they’ll be fodder for some giant reptile; the fun is guessing which critter gets them), and aren’t too happy to be involved in criminal activities.

It’s also never clear if they are breaking into a warehouse, a pet store or a private home. But none of that matters, as the story simply requires them to snag a bunch of pythons and release them back into the wild.

Of course, Riley doesn’t release the snakes into a suitable ecosystem, like the wilds of the Amazon. Instead, she settles for the nearest swamp, which is part of the Florida Everglades. Sure, the snakes don’t belong there, but Riley brushes that problem off, saying the snakes need to be in the wild and that nature will even things out. Unfortunately, nature is taking its sweet time and the pythons start killing off the gators at an alarming rate.

The declining gator population forces Park Ranger Terry O’Hara (Tiffany) to take some drastic action. Having denied the local hunters licenses to kill gators, as the population was rather low to begin with, she starts handing out permits for python season. What she doesn’t know is the snakes have had time to increase both in size and numbers, which results in the death of her fiancé, Justin, and several other hunters.

Vowing to avenge Justin, Terry decides they need “bigger gators” to combat the snakes. Her assistant Angie (Kathryn Joosten) helps her score boxes of anabolic steroids, along with an experimental muscle growth formula, and the two spend an evening feeding juiced raw chicken to the gators, unaware of the hidden cameras set up by Riley.

This makes you wonder what kind of an environmentalist Riley is. First, she releases an invasive species into a foreign ecosystem, than screws a bunch of cameras into trees. She acts like a Republican scientist, convinced that anything man does to the environment can’t be too bad and nature is the ultimate free market.

Anyway, Riley goes into the swamp after discovering her pythons are being destroyed and finds the gator population is growing to gigantic size. Before becoming a Gatoroid snack, she’s rescued by Dr. Diego Ortiz (A. Martinez), an outside scientist sent in to investigate the giant pythons. He’s found giant gator eggs and knows the gators are growing bigger, yet his pleas to call in the National Guard are ignored by O’Hara, who’s too focused on her upcoming charity ball to investigate Ortiz’s claims. What no one knows is that the pythons have decided that gator eggs are a perfect substitute for gator meat, and they’ve started growing due to the steroid cocktail in the gator fetuses. Sure, it’s impractical, but at this point, why let science get in the way of a giant monster movie.

Riley goes back to her lab, finds the footage of O’Hara feeding the gators, then dons an evening gown and prepares to crash O’Hara’s party. Okay, maybe evening gown is a bit of an exaggeration, unless you consider a slutty strapless tube dress to be proper evening wear. You know the dress I’m talking about, as you’ve likely seen the pop star fight scene on YouTube.

While the two former rivals slap cream pies over each other and roll into a swamp, Ortiz arrives just in time to warn the partiers to arm up, as a herd of Gatoroids and Mega Pythons also plan to crash the party. Yep, the two reptiles have put aside eating each other and decided that humans are the new red meat. Ortiz, O’Hara, Riley and Angie manage to escape and head for Miami to deliver the bad news about the impending reptile apocalypse in person. But the creatures beat them there, so now our heroes have to figure out how to lure the giant beasts to a quarry (in the Everglades?) that has enough explosives stored nearby to blow the monsters into bits, and not be eaten in the process.

Okay, if that summation didn’t tell you how stupid this movie is, well, they you’re likely to believe that the Everglades contains a mountain range (which it does in this movie). But the plot isn’t designed to make sense, only to deliver giant monsters on a regular basis and the movie scores on that note. Director Lambert makes the right decision to keep the film moving along at a good pace, explaining the story with the camera rather than stall the plot with a dull exposition scene. So instead of a static talking head shot, we see a giant python eating a Gatoroid egg, and the CGI effects let us know the steroids are being passed on to the snakes (Yea, I know, IT MAKES NO SENSE! Just get over it!!). By using the visuals to tell part of the story, Lambert keeps the film from tripping over dialog scenes or, worse yet, ignoring explanations of any type (both of which sank Mega Shark vs. Crococaurus).

Lambert also attacks the humor in the script with gusto. As Ortiz calls out for anyone at the fund raiser who’s packing to arm themselves, the film pokes a not to subtle joke about how much they love their guns down South. We get a recycled joke from Jurrasic Park that still might make you chuckle and the script injects a groan inducing line from a Tiffany song into a tense moment. But the most gut busting moment is when a Mega Python bites into a blimp. It was like the channel just switched over to a Looney Tunes cartoon and will make you blow beer out your nose if you’re not careful.

But how does it score as a drive-in movie, or on Joe Bob’s triple B scale. Well, the blood is rather tame, even for a SyFy feature. But the beasts make numerous appearances, spending most of their screen time gobbling up human victims before taking out the city of Miami. As with Mega Piranha, showing the creatures interacting with humans doesn’t require extensive CGI work on buildings and such, allowing the filmmaker to deliver more monster action before the effects budget gives out.

As for the second B on the Joe Bob scale, well, the film contains no nudity (or extras of a Gibson wardrobe malfunction, as she’s constantly pulling up the top of her white tube dress), but it delivers plenty of what was once called “jiggle.” Gibson’s white dress aside, she spends most of the movie stomping through the swamps in either shorts or tight jeans, with accompanying halter tops (and quite frankly, she’s looking pretty skinny. I mean supermodel skinny. Debbie, please buy a few cheeseburgers with your Asylum salary.) As for Tiffany, her Park Ranger outfit appears to have been designed by Daisy Duke, while her evening gown is designed to remind you that she has some major cleavage. It felt like I was watching Charlie’s Angels all over again.

But the ladies don’t fare too bad on this one either. While none of the actors compare to Paul Logan’s brickhouse physique in Mega Piranha, the film is full of attractive guys. O’Hara’s fiancé Justin is quite the Southern gentleman, talking about dinner with the wedding planner like it’s the highlight of his week. And his dying wish is for O’Hara to remind him how beautiful their wedding will be. It’s hard not to like the guy after that. Other men in the cast include O’Hara’s steroid supplier, who sports a cut off tank top accentuating the fact that he does a lot of bicep work. Finally, Martinez has a grizzly Tommy Lee Jones look going for him, but without the growing jowls. Not too bad for a studio who’s last offering as a leading man was the actor formerly known as Urkel.

Come to think of it, The Asylum seemed to address every point I made about Mega Shark vs. Crocasaurus. Did the studio happen to read my review or, better yet, did Mary Lambert? Well, if any of them are reading now, I have three things to say. Tawny Kitaen. Ann and Nancy Wilson from Heart. Mega Barracuda. You know we want it.

Throw a surprise cameo (probably spoiled by now) into the mix and Mega Python vs. Gatoroid ends up being a great Saturday night creature feature. Just add in a bit of your favorite boozy beverage and I think you’ll enjoy this one. It’s not as “good” as Mega Piranha, which was more organically batshit crazy than calculated camp. Still, it’s a lot of fun for fans of giant monsters and pop stars duking it out in evening gowns, with a steady supply of cream pies.

Doghouse (2009)

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I watched Doghouse twice, hoping to find one brief moment where the filmmakers delivered more of a message than boys will be boys and women will be bitches. Yet, despite a few opportunities, that moment of salvation never arrived. And while I don’t think the film is misogynistic, it’s obvious the script presents women as the cause of all men’s problems.

The story focuses on Vince, devastated by his upcoming divorce, and his six friends who have chartered a bus to the village of Moodley. Not only do they have access to a house for the evening, but three quarters of the village’s population are women. The guys hope a night of drinking and debauchery with not only cheer up Vince, but give them a break from the overbearing women in their lives.

Things get a bit tense when their driver, Ruth, arrives. Neil, considered the misogynist of the bunch, is upset that a woman is accompanying them for even a fraction of the trip. Vince steps in to smooth things over and everyone heads out to Moodley (except for Banksey, who’s always late).

While driving through the forest surrounding Moodley, the bus is forced to stop by a slaughtered ram blocking the road. While Vince helps Ruth remove the carcass, cell phones start ringing as angry spouses and partners start calling. Neil, determined not to let the women spoil their fun, collects everyone’s phones and tosses them into the back of the bus.

(It should be evident that our boys are following every cliché from the Stereotypical Horror Screenwriting Guide. First, they ignore the ominous warning on the road. Second, any contact with the surrounding area is eliminated. And we’ll get to Number Three real soon.)

But it’s the deserted town of Moodley that might ruin the night. Ruth agrees to wait 30 minutes before leaving for the night, while applying drops to her suddenly irritated eyes. And, leaving their cell phones in the back of the bus, the group splits up, with Mickey checking on the house while everyone else hits the nearest pub (I told you Number Three was coming).

Mickey finds the house keys and a zombified woman, dressed like a bride from the Victoria’s Secret catalog, munching on a dog. She spots him, grabs an axe and starts chasing him. The rest of the group have abandoned the deserted pub and witness a soldier attempting to kill a woman on the street. After knocking the soldier unconscious, the men find themselves on the run as the woman, and a growing horde of zombified females, start attacking. Making their way back to the bus, the guys discover Ruth is now a zombie. Following Mickey, they carry the unconscious soldier to the house where, once they are hidden inside, the women wander away.

The revived soldier explains that an airborne virus, which affects only women, has turned them homicidal, bent on ripping men apart. Fortunately, the virus has also affected the women’s brains, making them less intelligent and focused, which is why they left once the group entered the house.

Without any form of communication, and unable to walk out with the horde of infected women roaming the woods, the men sjould stay hidden until daylight and see if the army shows up to find out why the troops haven’t reported in. Nope, they decide to make another attempt to board the bus (Cliché Number Four, leave a safe environment for some stupid reason). The women have other ideas and the group is soon running for their lives.

On the plus side, the practical gore effects are great, including a great split head and lots of random mayhem. The cast is quite good and director Jake West (Razor Blade Smile, Evil Aliens) delivers a fast paced film filled with some humorous moments. It’s too bad they all wasted their time on this rather annoying piece of male propaganda.

Be forewarned, I will spoil the ending of the film later in the review. One can’t avoid talking about the movie’s overall theme without discussing the final scene, but I will post a warning. And while some might accuse me of reading too much into a simple zombie comedy, you can’t avoid messages when your film involves one gender becoming homicidal towards the other. The very concept will force the scriptwriter to take a stance on the battle of the sexes and this is where Doghouse fails.

Okay, I still consider the women to be zombies, though the script clarifies that they are “infected.” But the women of Moodley look like a horde of zombies straight out of a George Romero film and a couple even spend some time munching guts. While the changes are never explained, it’s implied that the mutations occur later in the infection, as Ruth doesn’t look as zombie-like when the disease take hold of her. I suspect the zombie-like facial features are used to imply that the virus is incurable, thus justifying the use of violence by the men as they attempt to protect themselves. After all, they’re beating up zombies, not sick women. And as the women don’t seem to die, things get pretty brutal.

One could accept such violence as a part of the men’s fight for survival, had the script not portrayed women as harpies before the opening credits. As we are introduced to the men, each is dealing with their shrewish, emotionally abusive partners (even the sole gay character, who tells his partner that wives aren’t allowed on the boy’s night out). Whether left at the altar or criticized for not being more of a success in the financial world, every man in this film is under continual assault by a woman. Well, except for Matt, who works at a comic shop, and as we all know, movie nerds never have girlfriends. And Neil, who’s first seen pissing off a woman he’d spent the previous evening with.

As the men seek to escape from the zombie horde, some find their inner guy while others are symbolically castrated. The most blatant example of this happens to Neil, who’s captured by a morbidly obese, stereotypical housewife that amputates, and eats, one of his fingers. Such an act could be considered a simple gross out moment, but as most of the women are projections of the men’s desires and fears concerning the opposite sex, it becomes obvious the script is designed to appeal to fans of Maxim and other lad mags.

(This is your SPOILER WARNING. Feel free to skip the next 5 paragraphs. Or, if you want, catch the film on Netflix streaming, then come back and finish reading the review.)

Matt and Vince, on the other hand, end up hiding in a nerdy toyshop and start using RCVs and super soakers against the women. In effect, they use big boy toys to get the better of the women, who (if you subscribe to the movie’s point of view) would object to grown men playing with such things. But even in this sanctuary, Vince is cut down by the size of Matt’s squirt gun, which makes Matt no better than the castrating women, whether back in the city or in Moodley. So it’s no surprise that one of them doesn’t see the sun rise.

The final misstep occurs during the film’s climax, as Vince confides to his fellow survivors that he’s having a midlife crisis. He realizes that he, and his friends, became “domesticated” by acting as they think women want them to behave. And it was only a matter of time before the women became bored with them. “If they’d wanted a pet,” he wonders, “why didn’t they just get a golden retriever?”

Up to this point, the film could have worked. In fact, the groundwork had been laid to explore the dynamics between the sexes earlier in the film. In one scene, a zombified barber comes up behind Matt and gently snips off an errant lock of hair before acting homicidal again. Later, Ruth is ready to attack Neil, only to lose her rage when confronted by Vince. These scenes suggest the virus simply enrages the women and, perhaps, they act out at the model of male behavior they abhor. And Vince’s monolog is not without a kernel of truth. Men and women often conform to their partner’s expectations, or what they perceive to be their partner’s expectations, with disastrous results. For a horror film to allow a character to have a moment of clarity, resolving to never again fall in the same trap, is commendable. It’s too bad scriptwriter Dan Schaffer didn’t use these moments to comment on the behavior of men towards women and give the film a bit more balanced tone.

The closing scene destroys any good will the film generated to this point. Had the story ending with a moment indicated that Vince had moved on, acting on the monolog he’d delivered with such conviction, I might not have felt so disappointed and angry at the script. Not that we needed to see him (or the others) in another relationship, but just doing something he’d suppressed during his marriage. Like painting or poetry, anything showing he used that moment to come to peace with himself and become a better man. Instead, we are treated to the sight of him and his fellow survivors gleefully running away from an ever-growing horde, as if continual escape from screeching, man-eating women is the only response men have left.

(Okay, SPOILER OVER. You can read the final paragraph.)

As we all know, the best zombie films aren’t about the undead/infected, but human reactions to the situation. We expect the characters to argue and fall apart, allowing for the expected mayhem in the final reel, and we know it’s possible that no one will survive the final battle. Yet when Doghouse proclaims that men will always be forced to run from the collective horde of man-hating women or risk being eaten alive, I found it a more depressing ending than the original Romero film that spawned the zombie craze.

Sharktopus (2010)

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In my review of Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurous (reviewed earlier this year for FanGirlTastic), I suggested the folks in charge of The Asylum watch some of Roger Corman’s older films and take a few notes on how to make a great monster flick. I hope they had pen and paper handy when Sharktopus hit the Syfy Network, as their chief competition just showed them how it’s done. A gleeful mix of one part monster, one part bathing suit clad victims, and a lot of “how can we top the last scene” effort shaken into the mix, the film became one of Syfy’s biggest successes. All I can say is, I told you so, Asylum.

The film opens in California, with a young swimmer about to become a white shark snack. Before it can attack, the predator is taken down by SS-11, AKA Sharktopus, under the control of the Bluewater Corporation. CEO Nathan Sands (Eric Roberts), along with his daughter Nicole (Sara Malakul Lane), developed this hybrid as the Navy’s latest weapon in the war on terrorists, pirates and drug smugglers. Seriously, sending a perfect killing weapon after a boatload of pot dealers seems pretty extreme, but I guess the Navy believes a joint is as dangerous to this country as a dirty bomb.

Despite showing how Bluewater can control the behavior of SS-11, the Navy wants the beast to stalk a speedboat and demonstrate its stealth capabilities. This proves to be a very bad idea, as weekend water enthusiasts are not known for maintaining a straight path. One hard left turn and the boat damages the control harness for Sharktopus before (in typical Corman fashion) running into some rocks and exploding. Freed of his electronic harness, Sharktopus gobbles up some Californian bathers before making a beeline south to Mexico, with the Bluewater team in hot pursuit.

So, why Mexico, you might ask. Well, Nathan offers up some theory about migratory patterns, but we all know the real reason for Sharktopus to depart the shores of sunny California. This is a Roger Corman production, and it’s cheaper to shoot in Mexico. Duh.

Once in Mexico, Sands recruits Andy Flynn (Kerem Bursin) a former employee who’d been fired for demanding too high a salary. With orders to take Sharktopus alive at all costs, Andy, his friend Santos (Julian Gonzalez Esparza) and Nichole set off, along with a couple of disposable employees, to track the creature. But Sharktopus isn’t behaving like a shark (or octopus), leading Andy to suspect that Nathan did a lot more tweaking with the monster’s brain chemistry then Nicole realizes.

Top it all off with an aggressive reporter chasing her big story, a drunken captain, a pirate DJ and his bikini clad assistant, then sprinkle with enough sun worshipers to provide Sharktopus with tasty treats every twenty or so minutes, and it all adds up to the perfect cinematic cheese pizza. Sure, it’s bad for you, but it tastes great and won’t give you indigestion the next day.

Okay, I won’t disagree that the effects are bad. At times, Sharktopus grabs a sunbather from what appears to be a thirty-foot trench mere inches from the beach. But the laws of perception have never applied to giant monsters. Many beloved kaiju films contain scenes where the monster appears to be rampaging in a ditch, allowing it to fit into a matte shot with a panicked crowd. Besides, such precipices are a longstanding Corman beach tradition (just check out Attack of the Crab Monsters if you don’t believe me).

And speaking of kaiju films, people need to accept the fact that CGI is replacing the rubber-suited actor as a monster. For one thing, CGI can be less expensive than particle effects, the same reason the original Godzilla was a guy in a suit rather than a stop motion creation. And, to be honest, a rubber suit can look pretty bad. Just check out The Attack of the Giant Leeches, War of the Gargantuas or King Kong vs. Godzilla if you need a few noteworthy examples.

But one unacknowledged advantage is that CGI can deliver a beast that has no human qualities, an ability matched only by stop motion. And while my brain melts at the idea of Ray Harryhausen delivering an animated Sharktopus, I know the expense of such a production condemns it to the realm of a geek’s fevered wet dream.

As for The Asylum’s creature features, Corman schools them in how to make a monster movie with this film. First, we get plenty of Sharktopus sightings and attacks. While a few feel repetitive, the film provides enough variety to keep things interesting, especially as Sharktopus slithers out of the water. And by keeping the size of the monster rather small, it allows the mayhem to focus on humans and avoiding the costly effects work involving the destruction of an entire city. This is one of the reasons that Mega Piranha worked so well. The creatures slowly grew gigantic, allowing a lot of attacks on humans before the fish started jumping into beachfront condos. Corman and director Declan O’Brien know the audience wants to see the monster, not the actors, and Sharktopus is onscreen as often as possible.

Second, whether you call it titillation or added production value (as Corman puts it), the second unit scores by keeping the beaches are full of potential Sharktopus victims. And most of them look great in a bathing suit, including the guys. Flynn even gets keeps his shirt unbuttoned after the movie’s midpoint, and though he’s not build like Paul Logan (Mega Piranha), it’s still an attempt to acknowledge a demographic not interested in the female form and it’s about time.

And while I’m sure Sharktopus recycles effects shots like The Asylum’s giant monster movies, at least the foreground is changed, so the audience won’t immediately notice the similarities. It’s a wise decision and one that shows Corman has a lot to teach The Asylum, if they’d only pay attention.

My only real complaint with the film is the casting of Kerem Bursin. While he’s at the same level as costar Lane (and I forgive low budget features for their lack of polished actors), he just looks too much like a fratboy than an experienced military veteran. Someone a bit older would have pulled off the role better, but as the film hits it’s stride, you might find yourself not caring that a 20-something guy is considered the only one who stands a chance of bringing Sharktopus down.

As for the DVD, don’t expect much in the way of special features. You get an expanded Sharktopus trailer (I suggest you don’t watch if you haven’t seen the film) and little else. Come on, do you really thing Roger Corman would waste money and time on a documentary or additional footage?

But the commentary with Roger and Julie Corman is great. Roger talks about why he almost didn’t make Sharktopus (he felt it crossed the line of insanity that would lose an audience, while admitting he was wrong), why he didn’t film any nude scenes and how making a film for Syfy is different than shooting for a theatrical release. It’s a priceless look into shooting for your audience and how demonstrates how Corman has stayed on top of low budget cinema for so long.

Look, I’m not saying this is a good film. If you want something to simulate your intellect, don’t bother. But if you loved giant monster flicks as a kid, and are willing to let your inner child run wild for about 90 minutes, you’ll have a terrific time with Sharktopus.

Just a quick note: My review of Sharktopus appeared on the website FanGirlTastic last week. The DVD was not a screener copy sent to me by the site, but one I purchased from an online retailer.

Night of the Demons (2009)

After spending most of the past decade cranking out awful horror remakes, it’s reasonable to expect filmmakers to figure out what makes the original films such fan favorites. Yet, with one exception, studios keep mucking things up and the remake of Night of the Demons is no exception.

The film opens with a flashback to 1920’s New Orleans, as a well dressed woman hangs herself off the balcony of the Broussard mansion, rather than be captured by a demon possessed gentleman. Perhaps hanging is too weak a term, as the rope appears to be woven out of piano wire and pops the poor lady’s head clean off her shoulders. A bit over the top, but the physical effect is well executed and the flashback, filmed in the style of a silent film of the time, works well. But it sets up a significant departure from the original story, which becomes a problem later in the film.

Cut to modern day New Orleans, where Angela (Shannon Elizabeth, 13 Ghosts) is sending out email invitations to her Halloween party at the Broussard family mansion. She needs the party to be a success, or else she and her cat will be out on the streets. It’s not made clear why Angela needs the money so badly, or how she knows so many college students as, despite her good looks, Elizabeth seems a bit too old to attract the college crowd simply via email. Oh well, Linnea Quigley (who appears in a cameo, reprising her cheeky opening scene) was much older then her costars in the original and no one let that get in the way.

We next meet Colin (Edward Furlong, T2, Pet Semetary 2), a low-level drug dealer trying to smooth things over with his supplier. Though he’s not invited to the party, he plans to bribe the gatekeeper (Tiffany Shepis, in a too brief part), get inside, and sell enough drugs to save his hide.

Also getting ready for the party are three college girls. Maddie (Monica Keena, Freddy vs. Jason), dressing up like a survivor girl, is talking with Lily (Dioria Baird, TCM: The Beginning, 30 Days of Night: Dark Days), who’s dressed like a sexy kitty. Then, in a faux pas moment, in walks Suzanne (Bobbi Sue Luther, Laid to Rest, Killer Pad, The Poughkeepsie Tapes), dressed like a buxom kitty from an anime porno. Guess who survives the night.

Anyway, the threesome spend a little time discussing the benefits of bikini waxing, which had members of the FanGirlTastic boards asking if women really talk in such a graphic fashion. Now, I have no clue how realistic the scene is, not being privy to an all female chat about men’s preferences concerning a groomed nether region. And I don’t know if screenwriters Jace Anderson and Adam Gierasch have any insight into what women talk about when the guys aren’t around. But the actresses play the scene well, suggesting the script might contain a ring of truth. Either that, or actresses in horror films are accustom to dialog that has no place in real life.

The party is a big one, as the Broussard mansion is overflowing with revelers by the time the girls arrive. In a clever nod to the original’s tag line (“Angela’s having a party, Freddy and Jason are too scared to come…”), we see revelers dressed as the Jigsaw puppet and Victor Crawley wandering through the house, only to vanish later when the nasty stuff starts. Lily bumps into her ex, some guy named Dex, who’s at the party with his friend Jason (Yes, these characters are so forgettable you can refer to them as “some guy named…”). Maddie notices her ex, Colin, is at the party, and tries to avoid him. And Suzanne is chugging drinks and dancing on the table. It’s not long before the cops show up to close it down, as Angela doesn’t have the right permits.

Maddie, Lily, Dex and Jason return after the police leave, having left Suzanne passed out in a corner. Colin, coming back to retrieve his stash from a heating vent, discovers his bag has fallen into the basement. He persuades the group take a look downstairs, where they discover a hidden room with six decomposing corpses arranged in a black magic circle. Angela, desperate after her gatekeeper walked off with the party’s take, decides to steal a gold tooth from one of the corpses. It’s no surprise that she’s bitten by the corpse (after all, that’s damn rude behavior) and is possessed by a demon. After mentioning that seven is the perfect number, she heads upstairs and, you guessed it, mayhem ensues as the group finds themselves locked in the house while trying to ward off demon attacks.

It’s a long build up (over 50 minutes before Angela gets her demon on), but now we can finally forget about the plot and meaningless character development, and get to some demon action. Not so fast, as someone decided that being chased around a dark, deserted house by demons isn’t good enough for a modern audience. Instead, our survivors find refuge in the maid’s room, where the walls covered in mystic runes designed to ward off demons. And they somehow decipher the runes and find out that the reason the owner of the Broussard house hung herself decades ago was to prevent the seven demons trapped in the house from possessing seven living people and free themselves to roam the Earth. Even more amazing than our survivors being able to read the sprawling runes is that they can replicate the spells without a “Klaatu barada, necktie” moment as the demons do their best to erase the walls and gain entry.

Like so many other remakes, Night of the Demons tries to cram in too much plot, which gets in the way of the story (to paraphrase Joe Bob Briggs). The original film worked because of its simplicity, its plot nothing more than a vehicle to get a bunch of horny kids into a haunted house for a party, where drink beer, have sex and end up being chased by demons. Surviving until sunrise is suspenseful enough and once the demons showed up, the movie didn’t take a break to add more to the plot.

Yet the remake seems to thrive on showing how it can one-up the original in random, rather pointless ways. The party is larger than in the original, the world now depends on one of the group surviving, and the name of the house’s owners has changed (likely to fit the New Orleans setting, but it still feels rather pointless). Even the famous lipstick scene is amped up with a pointless, bloody reappearance of the hidden tube (though it does provide the funniest line in the movie). While the idea behind a remake is to try improving on the original (as well as make a buck on a familiar title), filmmakers need to stop trying to tweak things in meaningless ways. Better production values and effects are fine, but if you want to start changing the plot, revamp it like The Fly and The Thing, not in a pointless fashion that comes off like a smug attempt to show how sophisticated you are compared to filmmakers in the 80’s. We don’t need to have Freddie to be coming back to haunt the children he first molested, Jason doesn’t need a Batcave and a bunch of kids trying to survive a demon attack is scary enough without the fate of the world hanging in the balance.

And the less said about the ending, the better. Again, it’s a cheap attempt to upstage the original. And while it does tie into the beginning of the film, it’s such a cheat that one wonders how stupid the screenwriters think their audience is.

Now, as this is a remake of a classic blood and boobs 80’s film, I feel it’s my duty to mention that this film, while including a few brief moments of bare breasts, pales in comparison to the original as far as nudity is concerned. And most the nudity occurs after the demon attacks begin, which is rather silly when you consider the mansion was packed full of dancing, drunken, horny college students at the start of the film. If anyone did get naked before the cops busted in, I don’t remember it. I guess the screenwriters were too concern with rather pointless character development, but come on. This is Night of the Demons we’re talking about, not Let the Right One In. Stereotypical characters will work just fine and get us to the demon action that much quicker, which is what the audience is paying to see.

And, once again, the women carry the burden of shedding their clothes (which, in Ed Furlong’s case, should be considered a blessing). Come on, Hollywood, we know that college frat boys are not that inhibited at a party or after a couple of six packs, and besides, female horror fans need some eye candy as well.

The move does have some good points. The practical effects are well done and the scene where Angela seduces Suzanne is nicely shot (though Elizabeth doesn’t come off as menacing and sexy as Amelia Kinkade in the original). The acting is good and the film looks much better than some of the online trailers might have led you to believe.

In fact, if you didn't know a superior version of this tale exists, you might enjoy it as a late night junk cinema fix. But Night of the Demons 2009 lacks the scares and sense of fun that makes the original such a cult favorite, and ends up being no different the the dozens of direct to DVD horror films release every month.

Night of the Demons 3 (1997)

Well, it had to happen. After a terrific start and a solid sequel, Night of the Demons 3 (released direct to video in 1997) is a spectacular miss. It’s not that the film skimped on the sex and violence, but the script lacks the punch and sense of fun present in the previous movies. While Kevin Tenney’s screenplay is pretty solid (despite ripping off his earlier screenplays), it seems director Jim “James” Kaufman decided on a more somber tone, which dooms this sequel.

The film starts out with a cop staked out in front of Hull House, who decides to check out strange noises and lights coming from within. Unfortunate for him, the cop meets up with Angela (Amelia Kinkade, reprising her role once again), a confrontation that doesn’t last long.

As the opening credits play, with awful CGI spirits floating over a flaming landscape towards Hull House, I began to have my doubts about the film. It’s obvious that the filmmakers were trying to update the terrific animated credits from the original, but the CG is just horrid that one’s hope for the movie starts to sink before the film starts up again.

The film then introduces us to two groups of teens, who will be meeting up with in the near future. We’ll start with Abby, the brainy schoolgirl and her friend Holly, the head cheerleader. Abby is jealous of Holly’s ability to get boys (and her breasts, as she compares chests while they change into their Halloween costumes). Holly tells Abby all she needs is a little self-confidence, as she’s no slouch in the looks department. Of course, it would help if she took off her glasses, put on the right make up and… oh hell, you know the rest.

Anyway, our second group of teens is out crushing around in a van, looking for trouble. We have the van’s owner, Orson, a wanna be punk trying to act like Vince, a sociopath in the making. It’s no surprise Orson wants to be like Vince, as he’s got the hots for Vince’s slutty girlfriend Lois. Or, actually, any girl that can “… suck a golf ball through ten feet of garden hose.” It’s obvious he thinks Lois can and figures that acting like a future felon is the way to make his dream come true.

Riding in back is Nick, your standard movie pretty boy delinquent. He’s not shy about flashing his switchblade, but he just looks too clean and pretty to come off as threatening. Next to him is Reggie, the humorous sidekick that seems more out of place then pretty boy Nick. Guess who gets it first!

But it’s not Angela who draws first blood (okay, she did kill the cop, but I’m talking post opening credits). After picking up Abby and Holly, whose car has broken down on the side of the road, our group of seven teens pull up to a convenience store for supplies. By this time, Holly flirts with Nick, who brushes her off, while Abby seems rather attracted to crazy Vince. Ah, the bad boy syndrome at work.

Inside the store, underage Reggie tries to buy a six-pack, only to have a shotgun pointed at his nose by a ticked off store clerk. Vince takes the gun away and starts threatening the clerk. Of course, a couple of cops chose that moment to walk through the door. Vince, being rather hotheaded (and a bit of an idiot), opens fire, starting a prolonged gunfight that leaves Reggie on the floor with a serious gut wound, one cop blown out a window and Nick saving Holly from being shot. Everyone piles into the van, where Vince deciding to hide out at the abandoned Hull House.

Now, I have to give Tenney (returning to the franchise after writing and directing the original) some credit for figuring out a new way to get a group of teens into Hull House. The script acknowledges that everyone knows what happened to the students from Saint Rita’s Academy (NOTD2), so it’s doubtful that a bunch of kids would even try to have a party there. However, I don’t think a massive gunfight is a good way to generate any empathy for most of the characters. As they drive over the underground river, the audience is given three teens so villainous (and not in a high school way, to paraphrase Diablo Cody) that they deserve to die. Another is already near death, and one of the good girls is pining for the bad guy, so she’s probably not crossing the underground river again.

Sure, some of the characters in the earlier films are jackasses (look at Stoogie in the first film), but none of them were potential killers. Expecting the audience to care about the three delinquents and the fate awaiting them is a serious flaw in the script. It’s like asking the audience to sympathize with the insurance adjuster in Saw VI. It’s just not going to happen.

And speaking of crossing the underground river, we are now treated to a CGI effect that is not only out of place, but just unnecessary. Just because a director has access to a computer effect program, it doesn’t mean one should use it.

Back at the convenience store, we find the shot police officer alive and well, thanks to his bulletproof vest. Inside, Lieutenant Dewhurst, a magic loving detective who is retiring at midnight, pieces together what happened, even though the clerk is saying a robbery started up the gunfight. Getting a confession from the clerk, Dewhurst takes off to find the kids before the trigger-happy patrol officers gun them down.

Whatever good will Tenney garnered earlier, he loses with the character of the Lieutenant, basically Detective Dewhurst from Tenney’s first feature, Witchboard. Hell, some of the lines are lifted from the earlier picture’s dialog. This might no have been so jarring had Tenney taken a moment to tie the Lieutenant to the earlier film, like mentioning a weird case with a Ouija board or something like that. But such a scene never occurs, though it might have ended up on the cutting room floor, giving one the impression of self-plagiarism from the scriptwriter’s earlier work.

Regardless, things are getting tense at Hull House after Angela comes down the stairs. Orson revels he’s picked up the fallen cop’s gun and offers to watch the girls while Vince and Lois force Nick upstairs to search for other residents. Angela starts seducing Orson, allowing Abby and Holly to carry Reggie to the van in an attempt to escape, but Holly won’t leave without Nick.

Meanwhile, Orson discovers that French kissing a demon is never a good idea. And once he turns, the mayhem ensues as Angela and her growing demon army starts taking souls, something new for the franchise that conflicts with the earlier films. Up to this point, any victim killed by a demon (including the cop at the beginning of Part 3) becomes a demon, without any indication of surrendering their souls to Angela. And the sudden change in the rules is never explained, though it likely is meant to tie into the second movie, but the connection is never made clear. Sure, the change allows Angela to interact with and seduce her victims, bringing another dimension to the character, but it rings false if you have fond memories of the first and second films.

Still, the biggest problem with the movie is it just feels tired and old. Even Amelia Kinkade, who was terrific in the first two films, seems bored. She does have a few standout moments, including fellating a gun barrel so well that she sucks the bullets out of the revolver (and you have no idea how hard it was for me to mention that scene as one of the best moments in her performance). But it’s obvious she’s rather tired with the role, one of the few she was able to get in the 90’s before becoming a professional animal psychic.

Toss in some subpar makeup (especially Angela’s demon face, which looks like it was built out of too much Play-Doh) and it’s obvious that the demon’s days are numbered. It’s too bad, as the franchise could have kept going, had this installment lived up to the previous films. But a clichéd, self-plagiarizing script, some mediocre acting and heavy-handed direction locked Angela away in Hull House, unavailable for another Halloween party.

Night of the Demons 2 (1994)

Released on home video in 1994, Night of the Demons 2 is a bit of a surprise. The MPAA had spent the past decade beating up horror films is response to the slasher craze. The failure of the new NC-17 rating was becoming evident, as most theaters and newspaper listings treated films with the rating like pornographic features (and Showgirls didn’t help much). And the advent of home video was raising new concerns about children getting a hold of unrated horror films, with no one remembering that a decade ago, retailers were selling Rambo 2 toys to children.

So along comes this sequel to the cult classic, with full frontal nudity and more gore than the original. Yet it earns an R-rating, which might seem rather surprising. Perhaps the MPAA was swayed by the ending, when the teens finding salvation from the demons through old time religion. Seriously.

The film opens on an evangelical couple entering the deserted Hull House to spread the Good Word. Angela (Amelia Kinkade) is still roaming the halls and offers her new visitors some refreshments. After the couple declines a slice of Devil’s Food Cake, Angela carves into them instead. So, how does the death of two missionaries lead to the championing of religion over the demons? Well, just read on.

The film then moves to St. Rita’s Academy, a Catholic boarding school for troubled teens. I have no idea why most of the kids are considered troubled, as they are pretty normal (by movie stereotype standards). You’ve got the horny jocks (Kurt and Johnny) spying on the girl’s dorm with binoculars. And you’ve got the nice girl (Bibi), the slutty one (Shirley) and her friend (Terri), all prancing around the dorm room with their friends, while in their panties (and less), with the blinds up. Yup, that’s a bunch of normal movie teens.

Even the bookworm (Perry), who’s studying demonology, seems pretty normal. The only person with the least bit of troubled history is Melissa (nicknamed Mouse by the girls). She’s Angela’s sister, orphaned when her parents received a Halloween card from Angela after the events at Hull House, which caused them to committed suicide. Although everyone assumes Angela ran away for some reason, Mouse has dreams of her demon sister coming back for a horrific family reunion.

Well, it’s time to meet the faculty. Father Bob oversees the academy. He’s not as strict as his predecessor and wants the kids to take some responsibility for their own behavior at the Halloween dance. This is in direct conflict with Sister Gloria, who is very old school. She walks around breaking up cuddling couples, reminding them to “leave a little run for the Holy Ghost” and practices fencing moves with her ever present yardstick. The two butt heads, but the good Sister defers to the demands of Father Bob (as a good Catholic woman, you can’t upset the patriarchy).

Now, as a former Catholic, I can really thing of no more saintly names as Bob and Gloria. It appears the filmmakers didn’t know much about the Catholic tradition of naming children after saints, and I can’t remember a Saint Bob, or a Saint Gloria, for that matter. But then, I’m a very lapsed Catholic, so what do I know.

Anyway, Shirley and Kurt fall afoul of Sister Gloria and are banned from the Halloween dance, along with Johnny and Bibi (who are a couple, which makes you wonder why Johnny feels the need to spy on her with Kurt). Meanwhile, Perry is grounded by Father Bob for his demonology experiments, even as he tries to convince the priest that he conjured up Angela.

Shirley decides she’s not about to give up on a Halloween party and convinces the ever horny Kurt to get Johnny, Bibi, Terri and Mouse to come with her for a celebration they will never forget. Kurt, thinking he’s going to get lucky, convinces everyone to come along, only to be neutered by Shirley’s date, Rick, and his friend Z-Boy.

Shirley didn’t tell her party guests that the gathering was at Hull House, which causes Mouse a bit of distress and she decides to stay in the car. The rest enter the house, with Johnny and Bibi venturing off for some “exploration,” and Kurt trying to hook up with Terri. Shirley and friends, however, plan to scare everyone with a sacrifice, and when the black cat offering escapes, Shirley decides that a Mouse will do.

It’s all a prank, with a retractable knife, but strange things are starting to happen and everyone decides they want to leave. Z-Boy is missing, having met up with Angela for some nookie (and we all know how that will end), but Rick decides he can find his own way home and drives the rest of the group over the underground river containing the demons.

At this point, the movie should be over, but Bibi keeps the plot rolling by acting stupid and taking along a lipstick tube she found at Hull House. By the time she realizes her mistake, Shirley gets a hold of it and decides she likes the shade.

Back at St. Rita’s, Perry has discovered Shirley’s invitations and spills the beans to Sister Gloria. The Sister rushes away from the party to discover Mouse is missing. In her absence, the kids replace the square music with some rock and begin to have a good time. Our Hull House explorers, having pulled into the academy, decide to join in. But when Shirley has to use the restroom, the lipstick spouts a long, phallic worm that impregnates her with a demon (no, I’m not kidding), which allows Angela to join the fun.

And Angela kicks the party into high gear, with a seductive dance that’s a big hit with Johnny. But things turn sour as Shirley kills Nick, and Angela knocks Johnny’s head off. Then Shirley kisses Terri, infecting her with a case of the demons. See what happens when kids take responsibility for their own fun? All hell breaks loose.

Angela kidnaps Mouse and heads back to Hull House with the intent of sacrificing her. Father Bob, rather grumpy about being awaken in the middle of the night by Perry, doesn’t believe any of this, but agrees to go to Hull House to dispel the legend of Angela. Bibi, feeling responsible for Mouse, goes along and Johnny follows suit. Perry arms himself with Holy Water balloons and squirt guns, while Sister Gloria finds the perfect ruler in preparation for a massive battle with the demons of Hull House.

And this is when the movie kicks into high gore gear. Bodies melt and explode, a decapitated corpse uses its head as a basketball and a spiked baseball bat meets someone’s skull (and wins). And, in the final battle, our remaining heroes face an awesome practical Angela-snake. It’s this final 20 minutes that had me wondering how the filmmakers got away with it.

But it’s not too hard to understand, once you step back from the gore and mayhem. And, just so you know, HERE BE SPOILERS. So, if you hadn’t seen the film yet, watch it first, than come back. I’ll be here.

I’ve heard people wonder why the religious right didn’t get behind the Slasher craze. After all, if a teenager did something “wrong,” a masked killer would make sure they didn’t sin again. But, in one of the few instances where I can give those zealots credit, the right knew Old Testament message was lost on the kids cheering for the gore and violence. But with Night of the Demons 2, the scriptwriters craft a movie that offers salvation through the saving power of faith and the Catholic Church.

It’s not pro-any-religion, considering the two evangelical missionaries hacked up in the film’s opening moments. No, we're talking the strict, Old Testament-type Catholicism that saves the day. Father Bob, who dismisses the idea of demons and strict discipline, is dispatched and possessed moments after he walks over the threshold of Hull House. But Sister Gloria, killed by Angela during the battle, comes back to life (thanks to the power of faith) in one of the biggest WTF moments I’ve seen in a while.

And the surviving teens learn to embrace the power of faith as well, with one kicking a cross-shaped opening in a boarded window to vanquish Angela at the end. I think the presentation of the strict Sister Gloria as a heroic figure, earning the teen’s respect and admiration in the end, helped sway the MPAA to grant this film an R-rating.

But don’t let that little message keep you from checking this one out. It’s a great time for horror fans, as the religious angle is just window dressing for a film chocked full of blood, guts and boobs. The original is still the best, but this sequel shows that Angela can still throw a killer party.

Night of the Demons (1988)

As promised, though a bit late of a start, here's my review of the original Night of the Demons. Expect Part 2 to follow soon until we reach the remake, released this week.

Coming off his first film, Witchboard, Kevin Tenney served up a cult classic with a light-hearted romp in a haunted (oops, make that possessed) house that’s still a lot of fun today.. Night of the Demons is a great roller coaster ride of a movie full of gore, nudity and thrills, a perfect Halloween movie for the spooky season.

This movie caused a surprising amount of controversy when it was released in theaters back in the late 80's. The gratuitous nudity and graphic gore by Steve Johnson (Dead Heat, Species) earned a lot of critical ire and forced the film to be trimmed for its theatrical release. But I feel the bookend scenes of the movie, involving a crotchety old man planning to put razorblades in Halloween apples, rub a few people the wrong way. He gets his comeuppance, have no fear, but the film was released during the media frenzy over poisoned candy and tampered carmel apples. And while these scenes were not directly attacked, the apple threat comes during the opening minutes of the film and I’m sure it put the MPAA and other moral guardians on high alert. One can only imagine their disgust that a horror film would dare include such a scene. What if senior citizens decided to imitate what they saw on the screen? Not that they were the target audience, but seniors could sneak into the theater, just like underage kids!

Regardless of the response from the MPAA and major critics, the film did well in the theaters on a limited release and garnered some good reviews. And thanks to a well-staged promotion for the VHS release, including an unrated version and some great promotional extras to rental shops, the film became a cult classic. And deservedly so, as the film is a lot of fun and holds up well for a modern audience.

The story keeps things simple. Angela (Amelia Kinkade, billed as Mimi Kinkade) and her friend Suzanne (Linnea Quigley) invite a group of teens to a Halloween party at the abandoned Hull House. A funeral home located on a plot of cursed land that was the site of countless acts of massacres and mayhem throughout the ages. The house is surrounded by a high stone fence, which is built over an underground river that keeps the demons from traveling to the surrounding woods.

As Halloween is the night demons can come out and party, how can they resist a group of horny teens? Angela and Suzanne are possessed and start dealing gory mayhem to their guests. The survivors must get out of the maze-like house and over the massive fence to escape (as the gate has vanished), or stay alive until daybreak. Both options seem unlikely, as each victim become possessed, adding to Angela’s unstoppable army.

The characters are little more than the basic cut and paste teens you’ve seen hundreds of times before, though the cast does a good job with the roles they are given. The one that seems a bit out of place is the bad boy/faux gang member. The actor can’t quite pull off a convincing tough guy menace and really doesn’t look the part. It’s a minor distraction, as most of the cast is little more than mincemeat for a demon pie.

The gore gets nasty at times, as with a brutal eye gouging scene, some nice burn makeup (after a very effective stunt sequence with two burning demons bouncing off the walls of a hallway) and a memorable “hide the lipstick tube” moment with Linnea Quigley.

Quigley supplies most of the nudity and is featured in one of horror’s most memorable close ups. About ten minutes into the film, while Angela is busy ripping off a minimart for party supplies, Suzanne is distracting the two clerks by bending over in a short, frilly skirt, while pretending to look at merchandise on the bottom counter. You’ll know the moment, as the screen is suddenly filled with a tight shot of Quigley’s, um, bum, filmed with a reverence reserved for head shots of Selma Hayek or George Clooney. One can only imagine the reaction to that scene from the crowds in the theaters or drive-ins where the film was screened.

The film also features a scene where a grade school boy scares his sister, then comments on her “bodacious boobies,” which are threatening to bust out of her bra. Only in the 80’s could kids get away with lines like when the boy asks her sister’s date if he’s only after her “ta-tas.” From the mouth of babes….

Tenney keeps the tone light and fun, despite all the gore. The film is as menacing as a spook house ride and while a few moments are genuinely creepy, it’s hard to take things too seriously. But what Tenney gets right is the chases through the house. While I find most movies that feature long tracking shots of monsters and victims traveling down dark hallways rather dull, Tenney manages to infuse some life into these static shots. The labyrinthian location is used very well, and Angela looks terrifying as she glides down the hall in search of victims. Kinkade’s dancing skills (she was lead dancer in several music videos and tours during the 80’s) serve her well, as her performance is on par with that of Katrin Alexandre as the monster in The Unnamable.

Lots of films are called cult classics, but this one earns the title. It’s hard not to enjoy this film, as Tenney and cast serve up the cheese with a smile. This movie is a pure Halloween treat that should be in any horror fan’s collection.